The Politics of Housework

It seemed perfectly reasonable. We both had careers, both had to work a couple of days a week to earn enough to live on, so why shouldn't we share the housework? So, I suggested it to my mate and he agreed. You're right, he said. It's only fair.

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Then an interesting thing happened. I can only explain it by stat­ing that we women have been brainwashed more than we can imag­ine. Probably too many years of seeing television women in ecstasy over shiny waxed floors or breaking down over their dirty shirt col­lars. Men have no such conditioning. They recognize the essential fact of homework right from the very beginning. Which is that it stinks.

Here's my list of dirty chores: buying groceries, carting them home and putting them away; cooking meals and washing dishes and pots; doing the laundry; digging out the place when things get out of con­trol; washing floors. The list could go on but the sheer necessities are bad enough. All of us have to do these things, or get some one else to do them for us. The longer my husband contemplated these chores, the more repulsed he became, and so proceeded the change from the normally sweet considerate Dr Jekyll into the crafty Mr Hyde who would stop at nothing to avoid the horrors of housework. As he felt himself backed into a comer laden with dirty dishes, brooms, mops and reeking garbage, his front teeth grew longer and pointer, his fin­gernails haggled and his eyes grew wild. Housework trivial? Not on your life! Just try to share the burden.

So ensued a dialogue that's been going on for several years. Here are some of the high points:

"/ don't mind sharing the housework, but I don't do it very well. We should each do the tilings we're best at"

MEANING Unfortunately I'm no good at things like washing dish­es or cooking. What I do best is a little light carpentry, changing light bulbs, moving furniture (how often do you move furniture?).

ALSO MEANING Historically the lower classes (black men and us) have had hundreds of years experience doing mental jobs. It would be a waste of manpower to train someone else to do them now.

ALSO MEANING I don't like the dull stupid boring jobs, so you should do them.

"/ don't mind sharing the work, but you 41 have to show me how to do ■ it!"

MEANING I ask a lot of questions and you'll have to show me everything every time I do it because I don't remember so good. Also don't try to sit down and read while I'm doing my jobs because I'm going to annoy hell out of you until it's easier to do them yourself.

"We used to be so happy!" (Said whenever it was his turn to do some­thing.)

MEANING I used to be so happy.

MEANING Life without housework is bliss. No quarrel here. Per­fect agreement.

"We have different standards, and why should I have to work to your

standards. That's unfair."

MEANING If I begin to get bugged by the dirt and crap I will say "This place is a sty" or "How can anyone live like this?" and wait for your reaction. I know that all women have a sore called "Guilt over a messy house" or "Household work is ultimately my responsibility." I know that men have caused that sore — if anyone visits and the place is a sty, they're not going to leave and say, "He sure is a lousy house­keeper." You'll take the rap in any case. I can outwait you.

ALSO MEANING I can provoke innumerable scenes over the housework issue. Eventually doing all the housework yourself will be less painful to you than trying to get me to do half. Or I'll suggest we get a maid. She will do my share of the work. You will do yours.

It's women's work.

"I've got nothing against sharing the housework, but you can't make

me do it on your schedule."

MEANING Passive resistance. I'll do it when I damned well please, if at all. If my job is doing dishes, it's easier to do them once a week. If taking our laundry, once a month. If washing the floors, once a year. If you don't like it, do it yourself oftener, and then I won't do it at all.

"/ hate it more than you. You don't mind it so much."

MEANING Housework is garbage work. It's the worst crap I've ever done. It's degrading and humiliating for someone of my intelli­gence to do it. But for someone of your intelligence...

"Housework is too trivial to even talk about."

MEANING It's even more trivial to do. Housework is beneath my status. My purpose in life is to deal with matters of significance. Yours is to deal with matters of insignificance. You should do the

housework.

"This problem of housework is not a man-woman problem. In any relationship between two people one is going to have a stronger person­ality and dominate."

MEANING That stronger personality had better be me.

"In animal societies, wolves, for example, the top animal is usually a male even where he is not chosen for brute strength but on the basis of cunning and intelligence. Isn't that interesting?"

MEANING I have historical, psychological, anthropological and biological justification for keeping you down. How can you ask the top wolf to be equal?

"Women's Liberation isn't really a political movement."

MEANING The Revolution is coming too close to home.

ALSO MEANING I am only interested in how I am oppressed, not how I oppress others. Therefore the war, the draft and the uni­versity are political. Women's Liberation is not.

Man's accomplishments have always depended on getting help fют other people, mostly women. What great man woul have accomplished what he did if he had to do his own housework?

MEANING Oppression is built into the system and I as the white American male receive the benefits of this system. I don't want to give them up.

(From: "Voices from Women's Liberation")

1. a) Answer the following questions.

1. Why do some men agree to help with the housework, at least in theory? 2. Do you think "dirty chores" is a suitable heading for the list of work that follows? 3. Do you find the additional meanings to the first excuse accurate? 4. What sort of emotional blackmail do husbands use as an excuse? 5. Do you think playing ignorant is a good way of avoiding doing jobs you don't want to do? 6. Is it possi­ble to let housework wait until you want to do it as the man implies?

7. What gives you the idea that this man has a superiority complex?

8. How accurate is the man's picture of housework?

b) In a paragraph of around 80 words, sum up men's attitude to sharing the housework, according to the writer of the text.

2. a) Draw a family tree for yourself and using the thematic vocabulary ex­plain the relationship between your immediate ancestors and any interesting facts about them.

b) Answer the following questions using the thematic vocabulary.

1. What are the usual steps that precede marriage? 2. Have you ever witnessed a wedding ceremony? Describe it naming all the par­ticipants and their activities. 3. Under what circumstances can a fam­ily foster a child? Think of some example. 4. Do you believe house chores should be distributed among the members of the family? 5. What would you take into consideration while distributing house chores in

your family? 6. What do you like to do about the house and what do you dislike? 7. What would you do if your husband/wife comes home from work tired and irritated? 8. If you feel ill-treated or hurt by your husband/wife do you think you should have the matter out at once or would you wait till you cool down?

c) Consider the following "Being married or being single". You should: i. dis­cuss the differences between them; 2. discuss the advantages and disadvantages they have; 3. say what you would do if you were given the choice (use the thematic vocabulary).

3. Marriage has always been argued about! Below are statements about mar­
riage which express different opinions. Imagine that they are your opinions, and
change them into subjective arguments.

1. Society would not exist without marriage. 2. Marriage is un­necessary. 3. Marriage is important for the children. 4. Marriage keeps couples together. 5. A marriage licence is a worthless piece of paper. 6. Marriage restricts freedom. 7. A lot of married people get divorced.

4. Choose one of the following topics and prepare to give your views on it
for 1V₂ to 2 minutes. You may make notes, but do not try to write out a whole
speech. (The students are allowed 15 minutes to prepare this beforehand.).

1. Husbands and wives who both work should share domestic chores. 2. The problems of having a granny in the family. 3. Courses on marriage and family matters in secondary school might be help­ful in preserving the family. 4. Home life feels the stress of social life. 5. Divorce is morally wrong and marriage should be preserved at all costs. 6. Marriages at later ages are more stable. 7. Love begins at home.

5. What are the characteristics of a wife/husband and a mother-in-law?
a) Study the following characteristics of:

1. Wife or husband: tolerant, considerate, faithful, affectionate to husband/wife, affectionate to children, hard-working, tidy, home-lov­ing, good-looking, rich, thrifty, quiet, well-educated.

2. Mother-in-law: willing to baby-sit, attractive, generous, young (relatively!), well-dressed, rich, good at organizing home, has tele-

phone, has many interests, does not interfere, has other married chil­dren, lives nearby.

b) Put the characteristics in order of priority.

c) Cut them down to the five most important.

d) Expand them to describe exhaustively the most perfect wife/husband and mother-in-law.

6. One of the main problems of family life is the relationship between young adults and parents. Discuss the problem considering the following:

1. When do usually young people move out of their parents' home and start living in their own place? Is it different for sons and daugh­ters? How and why?

2. What are the advantages of living with parents? What are the disadvantages? What kind of problems do young adults have when they live with their parents?

3. Should young adults live with their parents until they get married? Why or why not? When should they move out, in your opinion?

4. Are you living with your parents or relatives now? Would you rather be living in your own apartment? Why or why not?

5. In many countries young married couples live with their in­laws after marriage. Is this good? Why or why not?

6. If you are a parent, do you want your children to continue liv­ing with you until they get married? When do you think your chil­dren should leave home?

7. Pair work. Read the quotations given below and agree or disagree with them. Your opinion should be followed by some appropriate comment where pos­sible.

1. Love is just like the measles; we all have to go through it. (Jer­ome K. Jerome)

2. A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf hus­band. (Montaigne)

3. All happy families resemble one another, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. (Leo Tolstoy)

4. Man for the field and woman for the hearth;

Man for the sword and for the needle she; Man with the head and woman with the heart; Man to command and woman to obey; All else confusion. (Lord Tennyson)

5. Home is the girl's prison and the woman's workhouse. (G. B. Shaw)

6. Marriage is like life in this — that it is a field of battle, and not a bed of roses. (R. L. Stevenson)

8. Work in groups of three or four. Decide which of the following statements you agree with and which statements you disagree with. Discuss these with the other members of your group. Be ready to report your discussion to other groups.

1. You should always ask your parents for permission to marry.

2. Children should only leave home after they are married.

3. You should always be ready to help a member of the family.

4. The members of a family should live in the same area so that it is easy for them to visit each other.

5. Old people should be encouraged to stay in old people's homes rather than with the family.

6. Family life is less important in the modern world than it was in

the past.

9. In many women's magazines there is a column on personal problems where a journalist running the column tries to answer the readers' letters. Below you'll find a woman's letter to Mr Know-It-All and a stereotyped reply to the letter, imitating the kind of "sensible", inoffensive advice offered in such columns in women's magazines.

a) Read the letter and the reply. The expressions in bold type show the ways English people give advice. Note them down.

Dear Mr Know-It-All,

My father-in-law died about two years ago. Of course my mother-in-law was very upset and lonely, so my husband invited her to live with us. I don't know-what to do — I'm going crazy. My mother-in-law and I don't get along very well. She's a wonderful person and is very helpful to me in many ways, but she thinks she's the boss in our home. If I try to discipline the children and tell them that they can't do something, they go running to their grandmother and she tells them they can do it! My husband and I have no privacy. What's worse

is that she constantly criticizes me to my husband behind my back. I'm afraid this is going to break up our marriage. What should I do?

Jean Dear Jean,

Do you think you could bring yourself to ask your mother-in-law to leave? (Maybe explaining that now the children are growing up they need more space.)

If you think that the old lady would then be too lonely don't you think it would be a good idea at least to ask somebody, probably some of your husband's relatives, to invite her for a couple of weeks. It would somehow release tension in your family and entertain the old lady. I realize it's much easier to give advice than really tackle the problem, but if I were you I'd think of some regular house chores that would keep her busy. And, Jean, why don't you try to show now and then that you appreciate her help. However it is very important for your mother-in-law to feel that she is needed in the house, but let her know that the children are your responsibility. Your husband will no doubt be grateful for your effort and things will turn out for the best I hope.

b) Turn the above situation into a dialogue and act it out.

Giving Advice Personally,

10. Look at the following ways of giving advice (some of which appear in the text) and accepting advice or rejecting it:

I would advise you to DO...

I think your best course would be to DO...

(slightly formal)

It might be a good idea if you DID... (tentative)

Your best bet would be to DO...

I suggest you DO...

Why don't/can't you DO... (direct)

I think you should DO...

(If I were you) I'd DO... (direct: informal)

11. Here four people are presented, each of whom has written about a per­sonal problem. Please, write each a letter of advice:

1. A twenty-year-old girl who has married a man of thirty. He works too hard and comes home very tired and bad-tempered.

2. A twenty-five-year-old girl, a university graduate. She has met a man who is impatient to marry her, but she wants to finish a year's post-graduate study first.

3. A thirty-five-year-old man whose wife is a business-woman with a very successful career. She frequently comes home from work very late because she has meetings.

4. A woman of sixty who is a divorcee herself, comes to know that her son-in-law has committed adultery. Her daughter is still unaware of it.

12. Pair work. Below are situations for dialogues where one of the partici­
pants is facing some problem in his/her family. The other partner should give
him/her some advice. Act out dialogues using appropriate cliches of giving ad­
vice:

1. The wife complains that the husband doesn't pay enough atten­tion to the children.

2. The husband thinks the seventeen-year-old daughter is too young to go out on dates. The wife disagrees.

3. The wife has a full-time job and is angry because the husband does not help around the house.

4. The husband complains about his wife's mother interfering in.

13. Group work. Split into two groups of four to six students.

1. One of the groups has to prepare the role of the interviewers and write down questions each interviewer could ask the members of the "ideal family". The other group represents an "ideal family"; they should allocate the different roles within the group and talk about the personalities, ways of behaviour and ideas of the people in their family and give advice to other families.

2. The "ideal family" is interviewed by a different interviewer in turn in front of the class. At the beginning each member of the family introduces either himself or another family member.

3. Since a lot of the students' values and ideals regarding families will have become obvious, they should discuss them afterwards.

14. Role play the following scene with other members of your group. Each
person plays a different role in the family. Make a decision as a family group.

A mother has just enrolled into evening language classes. She has a lot of studying to do and cannot do all the housework anymore. Her husband and two teenage children want her to be happy, but they are not used to helping with the housework much. However, they do not like TV dinners and dirty clothes. What can they do?

15. Group discussion. "What are the changes in family life?"

Sociologists say that the relationship between men and women is changing rapidly nowadays. Dating customs are changing. More women are working. Family life is changing. Men are helping more in

the home. At the same time, the divorce rate is rising. More and more single parents are raising children nowadays. Discuss the following: What changes are taking place in family life? What are your predic­tions for the future? What changes in behaviour will become accept­able in the future? Will more women work? Will divorce become more common? Will the size of the average family change? What things won't change?

16. Here are some English proverbs dealing with marriage and family life.
Illustrate them with a short story.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Every family has a skeleton in the cupboard.

Men make nouses, women make homes.

It's a sad house where the hen crows louder than the cock.

17. Do library research and prepare an essay on one of the following topics:

1. Major problems young couples face.

2. The impact of social changes in modern society on family life.

3. Women's movements in the USA.