Spirals

The final dysfunctional pattern we will look at is the spiral. In a spiral, one part­ner’s behavior intensifies that of the other.

In some spirals, called progressive spirals, the partners’ behaviors lead to increasing levels of involvement and sat­isfaction. Claudine shows trust in Michele, who decides to earn that trust by working hard. Michele’s hard work earns her more trust, and so on; over time, Claudine and Michele’s relationship becomes stronger. Unfortunately, not all spirals are positive. When misunderstanding leads to more misunderstanding, eventually damaging a relationship, partners have established what is called a regressive spiral. Leslie begins to suspect Toby of being unfaithful. Toby be­comes defensive and denies being in the wrong, but the denials only increase Leslie’s suspicions. As the conflict escalates, Toby begins to avoid Leslie, exhibit­ing behavior that convinces Leslie she was right in the first place. Finally, figur­ing, “If I’m going to be blamed, I might as well get something out of it,” Toby actually is unfaithful. The relationship has spiraled out of control, and, in the process, Leslie and Toby have created an interpersonal self-fulfilling prophecy. Leslie’s original prophecy (that Toby could not be trusted) has become true.

What can be done to stop spirals? In many cases, the partners need only sit down with one another and analyze the situation to determine what triggered the spiral and how it got out of control. In other cases, if the spiral has gone too far, the partners may need to turn to an objective third party who can help them describe their behaviors objectively and without defensiveness. The key to dealing with spirals is the same as that for dealing with any relational problem: partners must focus on patterns rather than on personalities.