The Development of Gender Differences

We are the victims of gender expectations from the moment we’re born. The first question most people ask after a child is born is “Is it a boy or a girl?” And once this question is answered, perceptions and expectations change markedly.

As boys and girls grow up, their behaviors come to match these expecta­tions. Play is a case in point. Boys’ games tend to stress freedom and competi­tion, whereas girls’ games encourage intimacy and status equality. Boys are more likely to interact in large, hierarchically structured groups, playing rule-bound games with winners and losers. Boasting, mocking insults, and teasing often accompany boys’ play. Girls, on the other hand, often play in smaller groups within which everyone gets a turn. Being directive or competitive is looked upon as “bossy” in girls’ play. Girls try to avoid the appearance of con­flict by proposing rather than ordering. Instead of saying, “You stand over there,” girls are more likely to say, “Let’s get in a circle, okay?” or, “What if you stand at that corner?” Girls’ play may also be less physically active and more verbal than that of boys. Later in life, men continue to bond through shared physical activity, and women through talk.

As boys and girls grow older, they develop characteristic conversational styles. One example is the way each gender responds to “trouble talk.” A num­ber of studies show that a boy often responds to another boy's report of a prob­lem by dismissing or downplaying it or by giving straightforward advice on how to solve it. A girl, on the other hand, is likely to respond with trouble talk of her own.

This characteristic holds true in storytelling as well. Males often tell stories about contests in which they acted as either protagonist or antagonist and in which they ultimately succeeded. Females often tell stories about times when they or others violated social rules and consequently looked bad. Females exor­cise their social failures by talking about them. Males, on the other hand, prefer to ignore failures and to focus on achievement. Tannen comments, “If men see life in terms of contest, a struggle against nature and other men, for women life is a struggle against the danger of being cut off from their community.”

In adulthood these patterns persist, and a verbal division of labor takes place. Women specialize in relationally oriented talk, whereas men specialize in task-oriented talk. Tannen uses the terms rapport talk and report talk to get at these differences. Rapport talk focuses on relational meaning; it is most appro­priate for interpersonal topics and feels most natural in intimate contexts. Re­port talk focuses on content; as a style, it is appropriate in public situations when decision making or opinion exchange is expected.

This division of labor has its drawbacks. Men may feel uncomfortable when women want to analyze relationships and discuss feelings, and women may feel reluctant to assert their opinions in public, especially when men are present. Men’s comparative silence on relational matters and their reluctance to share intimate details of their daily lives may make them appear remote. Women’s unwillingness to compete for the floor and their tendency to agree rather than to argue may make them seem unknowledgeable and dull. Neither impression is accurate, but differences in genderlect make each appear so.

Tannen believes these differences occur because men grow up in a more hierarchically structured culture than do women. Men see the world as more competitive, and they feel most comfortable when they are carving out an indi­vidual space for themselves. Women, on the other hand, grow up in a culture that stresses equality and connection. They would rather put themselves down than build themselves up, and they feel uncomfortable with conflict and com­petition. Understanding these differences can explain some of the behaviors we find puzzling in one another. It can explain why many men would rather drive around for hours than ask directions (and reveal their lack of control). It can ex­plain why many women want to know every detail of a man's day the minute he walks through the door (to build intimacy through shared talk). And it can also explain why a simple statement such as “I have to check with X” can be in­terpreted in entirely different ways.