2015-08-21
419
Part One:
I think I may have slightly underestimated the consequences of my actions.
Okay, I may have majorly underestimated the consequences of my actions.
Oh well, I do that pretty often anyway.
I released the red lever and it sprung back to its original position with a soft thud. I took a moment to shake a few stray pieces of glass that had been stuck to my shirt onto the ground. When I was satisfied there was no more glass, I scrunched the shirt up into a ball and began making my way back to the cafeteria where I was meeting Frank. I could faintly hear screams and banging over the blaring of the alarm as the other patients panicked and broke out of their rooms.
A very, very tiny part of me actually believed that Markman would let me walk straight past her. That tiny part was obviously very wrong because she reached out and grabbed my arm tightly as soon as I was within reach. I halted next to her and took a deep breath.
“Let me go,” I said calmly. I would give her one chance to let me walk away before I used whatever force I deemed necessary to get away from her. I kept my eyes looking straight ahead down the corridor.
“You know I can’t just let you leave.”
I slowly turned my head to look at her. “Yes, you can.”
Markman looked strangely frantic. It was almost like she knew something bad had happened or was going to happen, which was strange because all I had done was pull the alarm, not set off a hydrogen bomb. Either way, it gave me a smug sense of satisfaction to know she wasn’t going to have a good night. “I can’t,” she repeated and started ferreting through her oversized handbag with her free hand looking for something.
I could feel time slipping away from me. Over the loud peals of the fire alarm I could hear the panicked voices of the other patients. I needed to meet Frank. I needed to get out of here. I snatched my arm away from Markman’s grip and didn’t feel any inclination to steady her as I yanked her off-balance.
|
|
|
“Gerard!” she exclaimed.
“Can’t?” I said quietly. “Or won’t?”
She didn’t answer. Or, maybe she couldn’t answer. Either way I didn’t care. “If I’m lucky,” I said spitefully, “this will be the last time we ever see each other.” I started walking away. I wondered if I could ever be so lucky. I had spent the past three years of my life around Markman. Three miserable years. Who knows what would’ve happened to me if I had never met Frank. Actually, wait, I do know: I’d still be miserable. Good fucking riddance.
“I’m sorry,” Markman called after me.
I froze. Now, those weren’t exactly unusual words to say to someone when parting ways but it was an odd thing for Markman to say to me. I don’t know if I recall Markman ever saying those words to me. I didn’t particularly want to turn around and look at her again but the curiosity was plaguing me already. I knew that if I didn’t ask her now it would eat at me for the rest of my life. Maybe she was apologising to me for sticking me in solitary confinement for fucking weeks? Or, maybe she was sorry for not believing me about Them.
“Sorry for what?” I said as I turned around. It had to be about Them. That’s the biggest thing she could ever possibly apologise for. She had to be apologising for not believing me and trying to make me think I was crazy.
Markman looked sad. That’s odd. What did she have to be sad about? I thought she would be happy to know she would never have to see me again. I sure would be if I was her. “I’m sorry for ruining your life,” she said. She actually sounded very sorry. How surprising. Though, that wasn’t the point. It was what she said that surprised me more.
I blinked three times waiting for it to sink in. Wait, Markman ruined my life? When? How? Did she do it literally or figuratively speaking? I know she’s made my life pretty darn miserable but I wouldn’t go as far as to say she’s ruined it. Was there something else she wasn’t telling me?
“Wait!” I called out as Markman walked away from me. Why was she suddenly walking away from me? She wasn’t allowed to walk away from me! I was supposed to be walking away from her. It was meant to signify something. Fucking hell. “What do you mean?” I said and took a few hasty steps after her.
She didn’t stop or reply much to my annoyance. Not that I really expected her to ever listen to me or do anything that would benefit me. I wanted to follow her so badly and demand answers but I knew I couldn’t. Frank was waiting. I needed to go to Frank. I sighed exaggeratedly and headed back towards the cafeteria.
How did Markman ruin my life? Did it have something to do with my lack of memories? Did it have something to do with Michael and what I did? Maybe she killed Michael and let me take the blame?!
|
|
|
Okay, no, that’s a stupid idea. She may be a bitch but she’s not a murderer. But then again, either am I. Fuck. Fuck, yes I am. Fucking hell. Fuck Markman. In fact, fuck everyone. Except Frank. Although, I wouldn’t exactly be opposed to fucking Frank. I don’t really how…. Fuck, what is wrong with me? Why was I suddenly thinking with my cock when I have a brain like this?
The smugness I had felt around Markman returned as I saw the chaos I had created. I say chaos because that’s the only word in my vocabulary that could possibly describe it. I paused as I entered the cafeteria to take it all in. It was quite obvious that fire and mental patients do not mix. Even though there wasn’t a fire, even the prospect of one sent everyone into a panic. It probably didn’t help that the fire alarm was incredibly loud and made it hard to think. Was it really necessary to have such a loud alarm? I was pretty sure something half the volume would work just as effectively.
I think what everyone found the most frightening was the fact that this is a secure facility and it is impossible to exit the building unassisted. It was pretty reasonable to be frightened when you think you’re going to die because you know there is no way out. I glanced to my right and saw Adam trying to punch the glass out of one of the windows. I felt a pang of guilt as I realised he would probably break his hand trying. I hadn’t wanted anyone to get hurt. I wasn’t that sadistic. Maybe this was what Markman was so worried about?
Two people whose names I never bother learning were huddled under one of the cafeteria tables and two more had broken into the kitchen and were attempting to use the stainless steel pans to batter down the courtyard door. Hayley had her back pressed up to the wall and just stood there watching everything with wide, terrified eyes. Everyone else was running around like headless chickens. It was amusing for 3.2 seconds. Then it just became annoying and slightly alarming. I knew I was the only sane person in this hellhole.
I blocked everyone out and scanned the cafeteria for Frank. By my third scan I still hadn’t seen him and was beginning to feel very uneasy. I hadn’t seen Ray or Bob yet either. Maybe they were still at their rooms? I crossed the cafeteria and headed for the west wing, giving a frantic Bert a wide berth as I did. I frowned as I walked around him. I didn’t know he had been released from solitary. When the fuck did that happen? Markman left me to rot in there for breaking into a secure area, yet beating someone up didn’t seem to earn you more than a few days in solitary. Talk about unfair. Despite my raw anger at the way he had ruthlessly pummelled my face I avoided him. I couldn’t deal with Bert and his Godzilla delusions at this exact moment. I would get him back though, another time.
I got halfway down the west wing corridor and realised that I hadn’t passed anyone yet. My uneasy feeling grew into fear. What if Frank was stuck in his room? What if he had been hurt by the other crazies in here? I ground my teeth together angrily as I hurried down the corridor. I rounded the corner that lead to Frank’s room and skidded to a halt.
In the middle of the corridor ahead of me was a guy pacing back and forth wielding a plank of wood like it was a Lightsaber. Where the fuck did he get a plank of wood?! I pushed that thought aside as I realised that he had Ben, Zach, Frank, Bob, Ray and several other people boxed into the end of the corridor.
“Back off! I said back off!” Lightsaber-guy screamed as Ben tried to approach him. I saw Frank retreat several paces as Lightsaber-guy swung the plank of wood menacingly at the group. “You’ll never get my pillow!” he screeched at Ben. “This is all just a ploy to take my pillow! I’ll never let you touch it! It’ll never serve you!”
Pillow? Seriously? And Markman thinks I’M crazy?
Fucking hell. This was supposed to be easy! The fire alarm was supposed to go off and I was supposed to find Frank and then we were supposed to escape. I took a step forward but Ben discreetly held up his hand to stop me. I paused and realised that Lightsaber guy hadn’t seen me yet. I could use this to my advantage. I crept up behind Lightsaber guy and lunged at him, sending him sprawling to the floor. I immediately bounced straight back onto my feet, fists raised and ready to fight. My eagerness to fight was unnecessary; Lightsaber guy was rolling around on the floor moaning like a fucking baby. Who’s the Jedi now, bitch?
For some strange reason Ben and Zach seemed ridiculously happy to see me. Ben was looking at me like I was the fucking king or something. Zach looked me over anxiously. “Are you okay?” he asked worriedly.
“I’m fine,” I said slowly, confused. Now he was treating me like I was the king.
“Are you sure?” Zach asked. “You’re not hurt or anything?”
I frowned at him. “Why?”
“Are you sure you’re not hurt?” Zach asked me again, more frantically.
“Yes….”
Zach nodded and turned to Ben. “You stay with Gerard, I’ll go and start evacuating people.”
My mouth dropped. There was no fucking way I was going to escape when I had a babysitter. I shook my head violently. “No,” I objected.
Ben seemed equally annoyed. “No way, dude. You’ll need my help getting people out.”
“So, what do we do about Gerard?”
I felt like I had turned invisible. I couldn’t believe that they were actually arguing over who got to babysit me. This was a fucking nightmare. I wish I had turned Ray down. I wish I hadn’t pulled that lever. “I can look after myself,” I interjected.
Ben thought for a moment, ignoring me. “Give him to one of the security guards?” he suggested and bent down to pick up the plank of wood.
Zach seemed to like that idea. “All the guards have been security cleared, right?” Both Ben and Zach began walking towards the cafeteria and indicated for me to follow them. I did, very reluctantly.
Ben glanced back at me. “I assume so. Does it matter?” he whispered.
Zach sighed in frustration. “Yes! You can’t go and put him in the custody of some random uncleared security guard. What if he gets kidnapped?” Zach whispered that last line so softly that I almost missed it. Whoa, kidnapped? Seriously? I am not a fucking child.
My stomach twisted painfully and I glanced around for Frank. He was walking a fair distance behind me so I held out my arm, beckoning him to come to me. He ran to catch up and clung to me. I put my arm around him protectively whilst still trying to hear what Zach and Ben were saying. Who the fuck would possibly want to kidnap me? I wasn’t anyone important.
|
|
|
Or, actually, maybe I was. That would explain a lot. Fuck.
Oh man, I had forgotten how perfectly Frank always seemed to mould into my body.
When we reached the cafeteria I think it was pretty safe to say that Ben and Zach forgot their debate over who should babysit me when they took in the scene. It was fucking crazy in this room. Bert had even amped up his theatrics, I noticed worriedly. I forced myself to be calm. I had a job to do. No, fuck that, I had a mission. I had to protect Frank and get him and myself out of this place. The outcome was not negotiable.
“Is this enough drama for you, Gerard?” Ray asked quietly coming to stand next to me.
“I didn’t want anyone to get hurt,” I murmured as Adam continued to hurl his fist at the window.
Ray shook his head slowly. “Too late now,” he said. He was right. There was no way we could’ve known that it would be so dangerous and that everyone would react this way. I had pulled that lever and now I was going to get out of this place. Again, it was not negotiable.
Zach reappeared near our group. “I want you all to come with me now,” he ordered and escorted us across the cafeteria and to an area of the facility I wasn’t intimately familiar with. He hurried us all towards the staff entrance, fumbling with his lanyard and security pass as we arrived at the locked door. He slipped his security pass into the slot and I watched very intently as he entered the pin number, his fingers darting over the number pad with a sense of urgency.
Nine. Seven. One. Nine. Two.
I’ll remember that.
The light on the door went green and unlocked. Zach pressed down on the metal handle and pushed. He held the door open and ushered us all through. I resisted the urge to take the lead. I wanted to avoid any unnecessary suspicion that might arise from me being overly eager to get outside. I don’t think I really needed to worry anyway; Zach was incredibly stressed and distracted. We walked along another short corridor which led to a set of double glass doors. Beyond the door I could see the car park. I could see freedom. Zach swiped his card again but did not enter a security code. The doors made an audible clicking noise and Zach opened them.
The cool night air rushed up against my face almost immediately and it was at that moment that I could taste the freedom. I glanced down at Frank and saw the hope in his eyes. This was going to happen and now he knew it would too. No longer was he going to have to rely on my hope and unrealistic expectations. He finally generated his own. He looked up at me and smiled.
He smiled.
I wanted to tell him I loved him. Right now. I wanted to scream it to him. I wanted to whisper it to him. I just wanted him to know that I loved him more than anything else in the world.
But I didn’t.
Of course I didn’t.
I put my arm around him instead in a lame attempt to shield him from the bite of the night air. I wish I had thought to bring my jacket. Frank had his, thankfully, and that was all that I really cared about.
I studied the car park. There were four cars parked in the darkness, sitting silently on the concrete. To the left of the door we had just exited there was a row of bushes and trees that lined the area. To the right was a high wall which I guessed was part of the wall that ran around the courtyard. I focused my attention on the bushes. I figured that if Frank and I slipped away to behind them we could use them for cover to make it to the set of automatic iron gates that guarded the entrance. They were our last real barrier to freedom. There was also a small guardhouse at the side of the entrance gates but I knew it would be empty.
|
|
|
“Shit.” Zach’s frustration caused me to turn around. He was standing by the door repeatedly flipping a lever up and down.
I watched him do this more several seconds before interjecting, “I think it’s broken.”
He glanced at me, then at the switch and then up at the floodlights that I presumed were connected to the switch. I was actually ridiculously pleased the lights were not working. It would be easier to slip away in the darkness. He threw the switch several more times before giving up. The only light emitted out into the car park came from a dull floodlight on the wall.
My attention was then diverted to the entrance gates. They made a painful screeching noise as they opened just wide enough to let an unknown man through. He made a lame attempt at pulling the two doors together again before giving up and casually walking over to the small group. I made a quick judgement and felt giddy with excitement when I realised that Frank and I could probably squeeze through the gap the guard had left when attempting to close the gate. Everything just seemed to be falling into place. It seemed too good to be true. As the man got closer I realised he was one of the security guards that patrolled the perimeter.
“What took you so long?” Zach snapped.
The guard shrugged. “I’m here aren’t I?”
Zach made an angry noise in his throat. “Just do your job,” he ordered. “Look after Gerard.”
Even though I didn’t see him do it, I knew the guard just rolled his eyes. Zach left again.
I casually began to move closer to the bushes. It wasn’t time to go yet. If the guard didn’t notice Frank and I had disappeared then Zach would surely notice when he returned with the next group of people. But, we had to be ready.
The guard looked around at the group. “Which one of you is Gerard?” he asked, eyeballing us each individually.
Wait, is he serious?
“Me.” Ray stepped forward holding his hand up high like he was being called upon by a teacher.
Oh Ray you fucking legend. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you a million times. I swear I’ll make it up to you one day. Cross my heart. I will never mock your cereal messages ever again.
The guard nodded. “Alright,” he said gruffly. “Sit over there where I can keep an eye on you.” Ray obediently took a seat on the step. The guard seemed to stop paying any attention to me or Frank after that, much to our delight. Frank was gripping my hand tightly as we slowly migrated closer towards the bushes.
“Now?” he whispered.
I shook my head. We needed to wait until Zach came back. We needed him to see us.
It seemed to take forever for Zach to return with a new lot of people. His sense of urgency seemed to have dispelled slightly, probably because he had realised that there was no fire. He was probably more interested now in who pulled the alarm that ruined his quiet night in the first place. I didn’t just need to act innocent; I needed to ooze innocence from my pores. Zach was one of the only people in this place that could see through my bullshit.
Ben followed Zach out, holding a towel around Adam’s hands. Fuck, Adam managed to actually draw blood? He sat Adam down next to Ray and talked to him quietly for a minute, reassuring him.
“Someone needs to stay out here,” Ben said to Zach. We were pretty far away now and I had to strain my ears to hear what he said.
“I’ll stay,” Zach offered.
No. No. No. Fuck. We just missed our chance. I think Frank realised that too because he let go of my hand to hug himself.
“No, I’ll stay.” Markman walked up to Ben and Zach. Where the fuck did she come from?
My stomach churned from the disappointment and the dread. Ben and Zach headed back inside leaving Markman and the guard standing by the door. She hadn’t looked around yet. She hadn’t seen us by the bushes. For all she knew we were still inside. Maybe we should just leave now?
Yes. Go.
I grabbed Frank’s hand and dragged him into the bushes. He made a soft noise of surprise but let me pull him down into the dirt behind some recently pruned shrubs.
“Now?” he said incredulously.
“Yes,” I said, peering through the leaves to see where Markman was. She was going to be the main obstacle. She knew what we were planning to do and I had no doubt that she would be extra vigilant. I knew that the reason she was staying outside was so she could watch me. No chance. I wasn’t going to let her stop me. I would do whatever it took.
“Gerard….”
Still in a crouched position I swivelled around on the soles of my shoes so I was facing Frank. “She knows.”
“She knows what?”
I took another look through the leaves. Markman was crouched by and talking to Adam. Adam was probably worried about being so exposed to the aliens and that they were planning to abduct him again. He barely ever went outside because he was afraid that he would be too easy to abduct. He once told me that it was harder to be taken when there was a roof. It made sense actually.
“She was there when I pulled the alarm. She knows what we’re planning to do.”
I couldn’t tell if Frank was angry at me or her. Probably me. “Why didn’t you say anything?” he hissed furiously. Even in the shadows I could see the devastation all over his face.
I steadied myself against the bushes with my hands. “Because it didn’t change anything. We are leaving here tonight whether she knows or not. I promise.”
Frank turned away from me. “Don’t promise things you can’t do,” he said softly. He had given up hope. No. Fucking hell.
Still speaking softly I said, “I will get us out of here.”
“To what good though?” Frank exclaimed and I hushed him urgently. “Even if we get out we’ll barely get a mile away before they catch up with us! Then they’ll be sure be separate us.” He stood up. “I can’t leave. I’m not going. Markman knows what we’re going to do. When they catch us they’ll take you away from me forever. I’d rather spend however long we have left together in here then ten minutes out there.”
“No,” I whispered wretchedly. He was breaking my heart. He was making my chest ache.
“It’s over, Gerard, don’t you understand that? We can’t leave. Don’t you dare leave, Gerard, don’t you dare.”
“It’s not over,” I insisted. “I said I would do this. I promised you.”
I reached out for his hand but he withdrew it from my reach sadly and slipped out from behind the bushes back into the car park. The despair hit me like a tonne of bricks. I glanced out through the leaves, trying to decide what to do. I couldn’t leave – Frank very explicitly told me not to. I needed to talk to him. Come back, dammit.
I noticed that Markman had spotted Frank and had left her position near the doorway. She was walking straight towards him. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Frank was too busy brushing dirt off his clothes to notice her rapid approach. She intercepted him and smoothly guided him into the shadows of the building. What the fuck was she doing? Did she seriously think that Frank would tell her where I was? All I could make out was Markman leaning in conspiratorially close to Frank like she was a spy passing on a message. I didn’t know if they were speaking about me but I assumed they would be. My eyes widened as I saw her hand something, a package, to Frank. It was too dark for me to see what he did with it. I must remember to ask him what it was. The exchange of the package seemed to signify the end of their conversation because Markman took a step forward and glanced around, scoping the area. To my complete and utter surprise, as soon the guard was looking the other way she steered Frank out of the darkness and back towards the bushes. She was sending him back to me. That doesn’t make sense….
Markman shot one last look in my direction and walked back towards Adam and Ray like nothing had happened. I stood up as Frank practically ran over to me.
“Wha -,” I began to ask but Frank shushed me. He grabbed a hold of my hand and began to pull me towards the entrance gate. I almost tripped over in the haste. Frank dragged me back upright, his face flushed with excitement.
“Come on!” he said, his excitement tangible.
“What did she say to you? Frank? What did she say? ” I demanded.
Frank paused for a split second to say, “Run.”
“What?” What the fuck does that mean?
“She said run. So run, dammit, Gerard.”
Oh. Right. Because that makes a whole lot of fucking sense! Why was she telling us to run? Did she want us to leave? She had said less than half an hour ago that she couldn’t let me leave. What the fuck is her deal?
“Gerard!” Frank exclaimed and yanked on my arm to hurry me up.
“But -,” I tried to object again.
Frank growled and yanked me harder. I swear the boy was trying to remove my arm from its socket. “I’ll tell you later, ok? Just run for fuck’s sake.”
I made the ultimate decision to trust Frank and follow him. His mood seemed to have done a complete 180 in the space of about two minutes. One second he was giving up and the next he was rousing me into action. I desperately wanted to know what Markman had said to him and what she had given him. Something had changed from when she was holding my arm at the fire alarm to now. I was ridiculously curious and wondered if Frank knew. I will have to make him tell me.
My thinking must have caused me to slow down because I almost fell over as Frank violently jerked my arm to make me move faster. I decided to pay attention; I didn’t particularly want to scuff my jeans if I fell. We ran towards the gate, keeping low and using the bushes for cover. As we reached the end of the bushes I realised that the distance between the cover of the shrubs and the gate was three metres. We had to cross that gap without being seen by anyone back at the top of the car park. Fuck.
Before I could open my mouth to ask Frank what we should do he had shot out from behind the bushes and was squeezing through the gap the guard had left. Damn him and his impulsiveness. I much preferred to consider all the options in my brain and formulate a plan.
“Come on,” Frank hissed and beckoned me as he made it through. I glanced anxiously towards Zach and the others. What if they saw me? “Gerard!” Frank insisted from his safe spot on the other side of the perimeter.
I dashed out and crossed the three metres. I took a deep breath in to flatten my body as much as I could and started sliding through the gap. I wasn’t as small as Frank and the gate began to make noises as my body pushed against it. Sweat dripped down my forehead as I began to panic. If I pushed on this gate or widened it any more it would make the horrible screeching noise it made when the guard first opened it. One more inch and I was going to ruin everything.
“Don’t worry about it!” Frank said urgently.
If you say so, Frank. I pushed the gate with my hands just wide enough so I could slip through, cringing at the noise it made. I really hoped I hadn’t just alerted everyone’s attention to the gate but there really was nothing else I could have done. I just had to hope that if Markman was, for some inexplicable reason, on our side she would give us enough time to get to the end of the road.
As soon as I made it through, Frank took a hold of my hand again and we sprinted down the road away from the facility. Well, Frank sprinted and I tried not to die as I struggled to keep up with him. I don’t think I have moved this much or this fast in my entire life. I swear if this works I will try to get in shape.
I was falling so far behind that Frank’s hand slipped from mine. He ran a couple more metres before turning around. I could see he was frustrated with me but he was nice enough not to say anything mean. “Come on,” he encouraged. “Look, there’s the car!”
Thank fuck for that.
There had actually been a good reason as to why Ray had insisted earlier in the day that we needed to leave tonight and not any other day. When we made the ultimate decision to pull the alarm and get ourselves evacuated from the facility, Ray organised for his brother to wait a half mile away from the facility and pick us up if we managed to get out. We had to leave as soon as we could because after tonight Ray’s brother was leaving the state. We were really trusting Ray with our lives here. For all I knew, Ray’s brother could be someone who likes to murder hitchhikers. However, If we didn’t get murdered then I owed Ray a hell of a lot.
The headlights on the car flicked on as we approached it and the engine roared to life. I guess that was a good sign – he was actually expecting us and wasn’t just some random serial killer. I glanced back the way we came from but there was no one in sight. Maybe Markman was covering for us? I don’t believe it but it seems to be the only explanation at the moment as to why Zach and every other staff member in the place wasn’t chasing after us.
I spent the five seconds it took for me to reach the car talking myself into opening the door and getting inside. I have very well-established trust issues, as Brendon so politely pointed out in his essay. Why the fuck wouldn’t I have trust issues when there are people out there looking for me so they can hack into my brain.
I froze as the thought crossed my mind.
Maybe this was a set up.
Maybe it wasn’t Ray’s brother in the car at all.
Maybe it was them?!
Fucking hell. I backed away.
Frank skidded to a halt by the car, his hand poised over the handle. “Gerard!” he exclaimed as my body practically immobilised itself.
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t get into the car without knowing. I knew that Frank wouldn’t intentionally put me in a position where they could harm me, but Ray…? Maybe this was his way of getting back at me for mocking him and being a general fuckhead towards him. If I got into that car I would die and Frank would die too.
Then the world would end.
This could have all been a set up. They could have recruited Ray into tricking me into leaving the facility. That could have been why we had to leave tonight and not any other night. They knew that once I was out of that place I had no where to run. I think I may have just walked into an ambush.
Frank was suddenly by my side but he didn’t try to pull me towards the car. Did he know? Was I right? I’m always right. “Get in the car, Gerard,” Frank begged me. Begged. I couldn’t let him get into the car knowing he could die.
“ – can’t,” I forced out. The fear was pounding in my ears and tightening in my chest.
He gave me a beseeching look. “What’s wrong?”
“What if it’s them?” Saying the words out loud seemed to make it real. I took a step backwards. I was going back.
Frank shot a look back at the car and for a moment I actually thought that he was going to come with me. He pointed to the car. “You are getting in that car, Gerard,” he ordered and started to push me towards it.
I dug in my heels. “No.”
“Yes,” he said stubbornly.
“You go,” I said. I didn’t want him to leave me. I think I would die if he got in that car without me.
He glanced behind me and threw up his hands. “Are you serious? I’m not going anywhere without you!”
Oh, thank fuck for that.
“I can’t let them get my secrets!” I hissed so the driver of the car wouldn’t hear me.
I didn’t understand the look that crossed Frank’s face. It was a look of…distress? Or something equally pained. I couldn’t be sure but he looked terrified. Terrified for me, or of me?
“Oh, Gerard,” he moaned agonisingly and covered his face with his hands.
We stood in silence for what felt like an hour but realistically it was only a few seconds. I tried to decide what to do. I wondered if I could keep walking and whether they would let me walk away from their ambush.
“Okay,” Frank rounded on me, determined. “This is how it’s going to be. We are going to count to five and then you’re going to take my hand and then you’re going to get in that car with me.”
I felt sick. “No, Frank,” I implored.
“Remember when you told me that you would never let anyone hurt me?”
I nodded meekly. Of course I remembered. It was my damn speech.
“Well I’m standing here right now telling you that if you get in that car you will be safe. They are not in that car, Gerard. Trust me. I will not let them hurt you. Your –,” he paused for a moment as though the next words hurt to say. “Your secrets are safe,” he said eventually.
I didn’t believe him and he knew it. He thought for another minute.
“If you love me,” he said, “you won’t let me get in that car by myself.” He walked towards the car and opened the door. He threw one last pleading look at me and climbed inside the car.
I tried to cry out to warn him but my voice caught in my throat. This is blackmail. He is emotionally blackmailing me. Little bastard; he’s lucky I do love him so fucking much. How did he know to use my emotional attachment against me? Did he know I loved him? Holy shit, that must’ve been what Markman told him just before!
What an evil backstabbing, conniving bitch!
I obviously didn’t have a choice. I couldn’t let Frank leave because that would essentially be me telling him I didn’t love him. I took a deep breath, my chest growing as I sucked in the air. I exhaled deeply, trying to dispel the dread that saturated every thought that flitted through my head. Feeling intensely nauseous I strode over the car and ducked down so I could clamber in.
Once I was inside I sat very upright and as close to the side as I could without falling out. I didn’t dare look at the driver. Frank reached over me and yanked the door shut and the moment it was closed, the car roared off the side of the road. I attempted to mentally push the consuming fear out of my body but I only ended up amplifying it.
“Yo,” the driver said over his shoulder but I ignored him.
“You got in the car,” Frank said softly and with an air of stunned disbelief.
I looked at him. “Of course I did.” I paused. “I love you.” There. I said it. I told Frank what I had wanted to tell him for as long as I could remember. It was probably a mistake. It was the perfect moment though, I’ll admit that much.
Frank didn’t look at me. “I know you do,” he said faintly. That was it.
It was the ensuing silence that killed me. He didn’t say it back. He should have said, “I love you, too.” But he didn’t. Was it because he didn’t feel that way? I don’t know. I just know that I made a fucking fool out of myself in front of some of random guy who may or may not be someone who wanted to kill me.
“I can’t –,” Frank began.
“It’s okay,” I said loudly, speaking over him. “Forget I said anything. It was stupid. I’m sorry.”
“…wasn’t stupid,” Frank murmured twisting his hands together painfully in his lap.
Another minute of silence followed and the only sound was the powerful engine roaring as we sped down the deserted road. I had no fucking idea where we were going. That probably wasn’t a good thing. My anxiety had dropped slightly when I established that the driver was not wearing the faceless mask or the bullet-proof vest that they always wore. But that didn’t mean anything really.
I jumped as I suddenly felt Frank shift towards me, his hand cupping the left side of my face to turn my head towards him. Before I even had a chance to formulate a thought about what he was doing, he was leaning in and pressing his soft lips onto mine. It was strikingly deliberate and I instantly leant in to make the action mutual. It was very tentative at first, as though we both weren’t sure if we should be doing what we were doing.
I suddenly didn’t care if the driver was planning to kill me. He could kill me for all I cared right now.
He pulled away a little bit and slid his hand up into my hair, tightening his grip and pulling me in again. The hesitation on both sides was significantly less the second time around and the passion seemed to prevail over the apprehension and anxiety. My breathing hitched as my instinct took over my highly inexperienced lips. I reached out with my fingers to tug on Frank’s shirt and as I raised it slightly I gently touched the skin over his ribs. He shivered but didn’t break the kiss. In fact he grabbed my hand with his free hand and placed it on his bare skin of his side. I took it as a cue to slowly run my hands over his side and up his back.
His warm, wet lips were seriously causing a type of intense pleasure I had never felt before in my entire life. I felt like my mind was going to explode. I’m pretty sure this is the best day of my life.
He pulled away again so our foreheads were touching and our lips were just ghosting each other. After that he slowly pulled away. I was slightly relieved; I needed a moment to regather myself and my thoughts.
The silence this time was not awkward or forced. I licked my lips, still feeling rather light-headed from what had just happened. Frank had kissed me. It was unbelievable.
I glanced at Frank but he wasn’t looking at me. He was sitting very subdued in his seat, his hands folded on his lap. He was staring very intensely at the floor mats, a coy smile playing about on his lips. The lips I had just kissed.
The driver cleared his throat. “Well,” he said good-naturedly, “I sure wasn’t expecting that.”
Frank and I both chuckled like fucking school kids. I actually felt incredibly embarrassed at my immaturity. See what this boy does to me?
“I’m Lou, by the way,” the driver said cheerfully, glancing back at us both.
Excuse me, please keep your eyes on the road; I do not wish to end up in multiple pieces on the side of the road if you lose control and collide with a semi trailer. I decided to put on my seat belt.
Frank and I both introduced ourselves and Lou nodded as though we were just confirming our identity to him. “So you guys are friends with Ray, right?”
I stayed silent. I guess you could consider Ray and I to be friends? Okay, maybe only on Mars. Frank answered for us both, speaking very highly of Ray and his character, something I wouldn’t have been able to do without lying. “Thank you for helping us,” Frank said at the end and I echoed his thanks.
Lou shrugged. “It’s cool. How is Ray, by the way? Is he still getting those crazy messages of his?” I sniggered before I could help it and Frank shot me an annoyed look. Lou laughed. “It’s okay,” he said. “It’s pretty crazy shit. I just hope he’s getting the help he needs. Apparently the attending doctor is really good, yeah?”
“Yeah,” Frank said earnestly.
I didn’t say a word. If I started bitching about that demon woman I would never be able to stop.
“Good, good,” Lou said. “So, where am I taking you, by the way?”
I glanced at Frank. I hoped to God he knew because I had no fucking idea. I knew we were going to Frank’s house to get ‘things’, but I had no idea where that was. I assumed it was close by?
Frank leant forward and pulled a piece of paper from his pocket. “Belleville,” he said. “Do you know where that is?”
Lou nodded much to my relief. I was also very relieved that he turned out to be legitimate. I felt bad for doubting Ray and even entertaining the thought that he would sell me out to my enemies.
“How long will it take?” I asked.
Lou thought for a moment. “Well,” he said slowly, “if I take the I-78 and then get off at the parkway… maybe an hour, at the most. I mean, it’s the middle of the night so there’s hardly any traffic so we’ll probably make really good time.”
Frank was nodding eagerly. Probably because he knew what the fuck the I-78 and the parkway were. I assumed they were highways but that was the extent of my knowledge. I sighed. I didn’t like not being in control. The unpredictability of the situation I had just put myself in was making me very nervous. I had been away from Bluestone for less than 30 minutes and already I felt utterly unprotected and overexposed. I hadn’t expected to feel this way so soon.
I sat in silence for the rest of the way, concentrating on not upsetting my already incredibly nauseous stomach. Frank and Lou chatted casually about unimportant things such as bands and guitars. I had no interest in either things at this exact moment and did not join in the conversation.
