Chapter 16: We're Not In Wonderland Anymore, Alice

Part Two:

Lou estimated the duration of the trip accurately. Fifty minutes after we left Bluestone, Frank was leaning in next to Lou giving him directions to his house from the freeway exit. The sun was just beginning to rise and the sky was just beginning to turn a brilliant reddish-yellow colour. I had never seen a proper sunrise before but the significance and beauty of it seemed to elude me. I’m sure if I wasn’t in the middle of escaping from a mental institution I would’ve appreciated it more.

Lou pulled over on the side of an average suburban street in front of average suburban houses. “You sure this is all you need me to do?” he asked pulling the handbrake into position and turning around in his seat to face us.

Frank nodded. “The train station is just a couple of minutes away. We’re just gonna get some stuff from my house and then take the train to…somewhere. We’ll be okay. Thank you so much for helping us.”

Lou looked dubious of Frank’s plan but didn’t say anything. “Okay,” he said, extending his hand and shaking both mine and Frank’s. “Nice to meet you both. Best of luck with whatever the hell it is you’re doing.”

We both climbed out and Lou sped off leaving us alone in the dark street. Frank nodded, silently reaffirming something to himself and marched over to one of the houses. I hurried after him. The house he walked up to was the classic American dream home. It was easily one of the biggest and most impressive houses in the street. Even in the dim light from the rising sun, I could make out the perfectly cut lawn and the pristine paint job. The flawlessness of the house didn’t sit well with me. It made the place look cold and lifeless.

I trailed after Frank still observing the house. He walked across the lawn to a gate and opened it. He beckoned me through and I walked into the backyard. It was slightly less perfect the front yard but still pretty darn immaculate. No wonder Frank’s parents had so much trouble accepting what had happened to Frank – they were surrounded and sheltered by perfection and stereotype.

I hadn’t even been inside yet and already I was reminded of The Stepford Wives. Now that was a fucking scary movie. I had been forced to watch during rec time one day and hated every minute of it.

Frank was ferreting around by the backdoor, picking up ornaments and looking under them. I assumed he was searching for a key. When I own my own home I will never leave a key under a statue. How stupid. You might as well invite robbers into your home and save them the trouble of searching for the key.

“Damn it,” Frank muttered as he overturned the last statue. He glanced up. “That window doesn’t lock,” he said pointing to the most inaccessible window on the entire house. I groaned. I was not going to climb in a window. Frank came over to me and placed his hand on my shoulder. “Give me a boost,” he ordered and raised one leg.

I gave him a look, advising him against the endeavour but he ignored it. “Lift,” he repeated and I held my hands out for him to put his foot in. I summoned all my strength and raised Frank as high as I could. His fingers brushed against the small ledge that ran under the window but he wasn’t high enough to climb up.

“Oi!”

Frank and I both jumped in surprise and I just managed to catch Frank before he smashed his head on the ground. We spun around and saw a man glaring at us over the fence.

“I calling the police!” the man exclaimed.

Run. Run. Run. Run. Run.

Instead of running in the opposite direction, Frank ran over to the fence towards the man. “Mr. Lynch!” he cried. “It’s me! It’s Frank!”

The man lowered the phone from his ear and narrowed his eyes at Frank. “Frank Iero?”

Frank nodded enthusiastically. “I live here,” he explained.

Mr. Lynch threw his hands up in frustration. “What are you doing here? It’s 5am in the morning. I thought you went to Colorado or something? You got into some boarding school? No, no, wait, it was Washington. I think.”

Even from where I was standing over ten metres away I could tell Frank was utterly devastated by the lie his parents had told his neighbour. A boarding school was extremely different to a mental institution. They weren’t even comparable.

“Is that right?” Mr. Lynch prompted.

Frank nodded. “Yeah,” he lied. “It’s in Washington, you were right. I decided I would come home for the mid-term break but I left my keys in my dorm. I thought mom kept a spare set in the garden. I wanted to surprise her when she came home from work.”

Mr. Lynch swallowed every lie Frank fed him. “Who’s that,” he asked, pointing to me. Why the fuck was he looking at me like that? He was looking at me as though he recognised me, which was impossible.

“That’s my roommate. His parents are overseas…in Italy!” Frank seemed pleased that his lie now had supporting details. “He had nowhere to go for the break so I invited him home.”

I nodded at Frank’s crazy neighbour. I didn’t like him. I had an uneasy feeling about him.

“Do you happen to have a spare key?” Frank asked hopefully.

Mr. Lynch nodded. “Yeah, your mother gave me the one from the garden after she started working these night shifts. I’ll just go and get it.” He left and returned a few minutes later with the set of keys and tossed them to Frank over the fence. “You keep ‘em,” he said. “You’ll need ‘em more than me. Tell your mom she can just give ‘em back when you leave again.” He stared at me again.

Frank nodded and thanked him and walked extremely casually over to the door. He unlocked it and we went inside. As soon as the door was closed, Frank said, “That was weird. That seemed weird to you, right?” We peered through the curtains and saw that Mr. Lynch was still at the fence, watching the house.

Frank and I exchanged a worried look. “Let’s do this really quickly,” I said, pulling the curtains closed so no one could see in. Frank agreed and led the way up to his room. As we made our way through the living room and up the stairs I felt unnerved at how perfect the interior was. I shook my head at the plastic-covered lounges and tried not to stare at Frank’s arse as he climbed the stairs in front of me.

Frank’s room was covered in a fine layer of dust. It looked like no one had entered it in months. Frank stood in the doorway staring despondently at the bed in the middle of the room. I didn’t know why. Maybe it had something to do with two men? I didn’t dare ask. I squeezed past him and wandered around the massive room looking at his belongings. He had a very impressive CD collection in one corner and an electric guitar surrounded by several different sized amps in the other. I glanced out the window and saw that the neighbour was still standing by the fence staring at the house. What the fuck?

Frank snapped out of his staring and threw me an old backpack. “Can you pull out that bottom drawer for me,” he asked pointing to his cupboard. As I crouched down and grabbed a hold of the handles I saw Frank grab a slim piece of metal out of his sock drawer and crawl under his bed. I heard the sound of a floorboard being pried out of position and then rustling as Frank ferreted around in the space he had just created. A minute later he crawled back out pushing several large wads of money in front of him. I blinked in surprise. I really thought that much money ought to be kept in a bank or somewhere more secure then under a floorboard. He gathered them all up in his hands and bought them over to me. He dropped them at my feet.

“There’s another bag in there,” he said quietly and pointed to the drawer I was supposed to be opening. Why was he suddenly so sad? Did it have something to do with the room?

Oh fuck.

I know what it is. I felt sick to my stomach at the thought.

I grabbed one of the wads and flicked through it. The first one was just over a thousand dollars. I had no doubt that the others were the same. “Where did this come from?” I asked. I was dying to know why Frank kept five thousand dollars hidden under his bed.

“It doesn’t matter,” Frank said and started pulling clothes off hangers in his cupboard. “Here. Try this on,” he said and threw a shirt at me. “It’s too big for me. You’ll need a change of clothes,” he said as I frowned.

Well, yes, I know I will need a change of clothes. What I didn’t know was why the fuck you keep five thousand dollars in your room. “Frank, where did the money come from?” I pressed.

Frank ignored me and continued to stuff clothes into another backpack.

“Frank?” I said more insistently.

Frank threw the bag to the ground. “I said it doesn’t matter!” he exclaimed angrily and stormed out of the room.

I stared after him in disbelief. What the fuck was going on? Holy fuck, I hope he didn’t steal it or anything. Should I follow him? I decided to count to ten before heading out after him.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten.

Okay. Go.

I lay the shirt Frank had tossed me on the bed and walked out into the corridor. I had no fucking idea where Frank would have gone. I walked through the entire second floor of the house, searching all the bedrooms and bathrooms but couldn’t find him. I did note that Frank’s parent’s bedroom felt very empty. I snooped in their closet and noticed that there were none of Frank’s father’s clothes in there and there was only one toothbrush in the bathroom. I guess Frank’s parents really were separated. I wonder if he knew that his dad had moved out. Maybe he did know and that was why he was so upset.

I descended the stairs and walked back into the living room. Frank was sitting on the plastic covered sofa staring intently at the blank TV. I sat down next to him but didn’t say anything. I didn’t say anything because I had no idea what to say. I didn’t know if I should I say something comforting, or apologetic or funny. I should probably go with comforting now that I think about it.

“They asked me to run away with them.”

My ears perked up as Frank began to speak very softly. He was saying each word very slowly as though he had to force them out of his mouth.

“And I wanted to. So I began withdrawing money out of my bank account every week. I only took out small amounts at a time so dad wouldn’t notice.”

Smart. I knew that Frank’s father probably would’ve flipped if he knew what Frank was really going to use the money for.

“But then they said I couldn’t come with them anymore and they were leaving by themselves.” He paused and took a deep breath. “Well, you know the rest,” he said bitterly and stood up. “I’m gonna finish packing. Grab some food for the road?”

I nodded but he was already walking back upstairs. I watched him go, my heart aching again. I hated to see him like this. I needed to fix him. But how? I headed into the kitchen and starting packing some cans of soup and other assorted non-perishables into a plastic shopping bag. I opened the fridge and peered inside. It was packed full of leftovers and I even considered taking a few of the containers. I probably would have if I thought they would keep outside of the refrigerator. I grabbed two bottles of water and closed the door. There was half a loaf of bread on the kitchen bench and I collected that too. I stowed it in next to the cans of soup. Next to where the bread was sitting was a large to-do list that Frank’s mom had obviously written.

I picked it up and read it. It was horribly mundane.
- Pay heating bill
- Call gardener
- Buy spare battery for camera
- RSVP Tom + Sue wedding
- Check oil
- Buy milk and bread
- Pay insurance
-!! Return call: Dr. Markman (Frank’s doctor)

I stopped as I read the note about Markman. How long ago did she call Frank’s mother? What did she call her about? It seemed unusual. I glanced around for the phone and checked the message bank. There was one old message saved on the machine and I hit play, praying it was the message from Markman.

I was right. Fuck yes. According to the pre-recorded date, the message had been received just yesterday at 11:45am. Maybe Markman left it after Frank had his little freak out over the newspaper article.

“Hello, Mrs. Iero, its Dr. Jillian Markman from Bluestone, Frank’s doctor. I’m just ringing because I have some pressing issues I urgently need to discuss with you relating to Frank and his future care and I request that you ring me back as soon as you can. You can contact me directly on 594-113-4212. Thank you.”

She hung up and the pre-recorded voice told me the time and date again. How interesting. I wondered what she was referring to. There wasn’t any way of knowing so I didn’t waste any time trying to figure it out. I placed all the food on the bench and made a mental note to collect it when we left. I hesitated as I was leaving the kitchen. Should I leave a note or something? I felt like I had a responsibility to let Frank’s mom know that Frank was okay. As soon as she found out that Frank had disappeared from the facility she might be worried. I grabbed the to-do list and flipped it over to the blank side. I grabbed a pen and scrawled:

‘Dear Frank’s mother,
I’ll take care of him. I promise.
We took some of your food too, sorry.
Yours sincerely,
Gerard.’

I nodded approvingly and set it down in the middle of the bench where she would be sure to see it. I was just leaving the kitchen when Frank came down the stairs carrying the two backpacks. I accepted the one that was the most empty and packed as much food as I could into it. Frank stuffed the last few cans of soup into his backpack and slung it over his back.

“What’s this?” he asked, pointing to my note.

I went red. “I didn’t want your mom to worry,” I said defensively. “I wanted her to know I would look after you.”

Frank smiled slightly and grabbed the pen I had left next to the note. He looked like he was about to add to what I had written but instead put the pen back down and headed towards the laundry. I followed him but he stopped again. He glanced back at the note and sighed, obviously torn. He dropped the backpack on the ground and walked back to the note. He picked the pen back up and added something to what I had written. After he finished the sentence he put the pen back down and stared at the note. I dropped my bag and walked back over to him. He had written one line in his characteristically messy handwriting. All he put was: ‘Don’t worry about us.’

I could tell that he couldn’t muster up the courage to put down how he really felt. I knew what he really wanted to say. I knew he was dying to tell his mother how much the lie about the boarding school hurt him. I put my arm around his shoulder and pulled him in close. I pressed my lips to the side of his head. “Write it,” I whispered in his hair.

He shook his head. “No.” He placed the pen back down and pulled away from my embrace. “Let’s go.”

I sighed and picked my own bag up off the ground and walked to the laundry. We decided we were going to leave via the side entrance in the laundry so Frank’s creepy neighbour didn’t see us leave. I still had a really uneasy feeling about him.

Frank deposited the keys in the letterbox and headed off down the street. I took one last look at Frank’s house and hurried to catch up with him. The sun had completely risen now. I hadn’t realised we had been inside Frank’s house for so long. We passed a ridiculous amount of people out walking and jogging. Who the fuck actually goes jogging this early? No, actually, who the fuck goes jogging at all?

“Put this on,” Frank said shortly, handing me a cap. It had a logo on it for a mining company.

I stared at it. I was not putting that on. Frank glared at me. I put it on.

I didn’t want to argue with him. He was obviously still very upset.

It didn’t take very long to reach the train station. Even this early in the morning it was packed with people making their way to work. Frank walked up to the timetable. “I think we should get the first train that leaves,” he said.

I agreed and Frank went off to buy the tickets, leaving me alone. I swallowed nervously as people bustled around me. I don’t remember being around this many people in my entire life. I wished Frank would hurry up. A businessman ran into me and made me stagger to the side. He apologised over his shoulder as he kept hurrying to catch his train. I backed into the wall, watching everyone intently. I hoped no one tried to stab me. Or shoot me.

Frank reappeared again, clutching two tickets. “Come on,” he said. “It leaves in three minutes.”

“So many people,” I muttered, grabbing onto his sleeve and trailing after him towards the platform.

I’m scared. I’ll admit it. I suddenly craved the safety and quiet of the institution. Who would’ve thought that I’d miss that hellhole?

“Gerard?” Frank shook me roughly. I jerked to attention and looked at him. “Are you okay?” he asked.

I didn't remember getting from the bustling platform to the seat on the train. I think I may have freaked out a little bit and, in an attempt to cope, shut my brain off, preventing it from overanalysing everything and frightening me even more.

“Uh huh,” I said absently, glancing back to the window and realising we were moving. “Wait, where are we at the moment?”

Frank looked concerned and made me drink some water. I did what he wanted me to do because there was no use trying to fight him – he would make me do it one way or another. We sat on the train for another hour before Frank dragged me off in the middle of nowhere.

“What are you doing?” I asked as the train left the station leaving us standing on the platform. “This isn’t our stop.”

Frank looked at me like I was being a bit slow. “We need to keep changing trains. We can’t take one train to one place or they’ll be able to find us too easy. We need to cover our tracks.”

Frank was talking as though we were being hunted or something. I thought he was being a little too over-cautious. It’s not like the CIA were coming after us or anything. Despite this I allowed Frank to buy a new set of tickets for the next train. We boarded this one and only rode it for an hour before getting off again at a random stop. We did this again and again and again until the sun started to go down.

By the time Frank decided we should stop I was completely lost and exhausted and cranky. We had managed to nap briefly during the trips but I was dying to lie down and sleep properly. We hadn’t had any sleep the previous night and it was starting to take a toll on both of us. We had stopped talking to each other after the fifth train change because we were both too afraid we would get angry at each other and say some we’d regret.

We ended up in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I honestly did not give a fuck where we were. All I cared about was finding some sort of accommodation and sleeping.

We left the train station and headed for the main street. There were still a lot of people around luckily. I tried to avoid eye contact; I didn’t want to be stabbed. I yawned as we trudged down the street looking for a motel that wasn’t too dodgy. Eventually we found one that we both agreed looked pretty decent.

We were making our way to reception when Frank stopped. He dug into his pocket and handed me a handful of crumpled fifty dollar bills. “You’ll have to go in and get the room without me,” he said.

Um, what? “Why?!” I said horrified, my fist clenching the money tightly.

“I’m too young to get a room by myself and we can’t be seen together. It’s too risky. You’ll be fine, though, don’t stress.” He smiled at me, trying to dispel my terror. Why the fuck was Frank acting like we were on some sort of secret espionage mission? We escaped from a fucking mental institution not a fucking prison. We weren’t wanted criminals. Frank had a lot of explaining to do.

“Frank,” I said urgently. “Please don’t make me.”

He scowled. “Do you want to sleep in a bed tonight, Gerard?” he asked.

“Of course!” I said, annoyed.

“Then go get a room,” he said and pointed to the reception.

I shot him a dirty look and walked very slowly over to the office that was marked by a bright flashing neon light. I pushed open the door and cringed as a bell announced my presence. An older lady appeared from a backroom. She stood behind the counter expectantly.

“I need a room,” I muttered.

I really, desperately hoped that she wasn’t one of them. Maybe they were expecting me?

“Just for you, sweetie?” she asked placing a log book in front of me. I panicked. What should I write? I obviously couldn’t write my own name and I had no fucking idea what I should put for a phone number or address. Oh fuck, why wasn’t Frank doing this?

I realised she asked me a question and just nodded even though I hadn’t heard what she said. She turned to grab a key. “Just fill this out,” she prompted, handing me a pen.

I filled the log book with lies. I tried not to hesitate too much as I was writing so she wouldn’t get suspicious and realise I was making everything up. She held her hand out for the money and I didn’t hear how much she was asking for so I just stuffed three of the bills into her hand. She seemed satisfied with what I gave her because she handed me the key.

“Thanks,” I muttered and retreated as quickly as I could without bolting out the door. I glanced at the room number and headed up the stairs towards it. I slid the key in the door and opened it. As soon as I flicked on the light I breathed a sigh of relief at the decency of the room. Frank appeared behind me and shut the door before wrapping his arms around me.

“I’m so proud of you,” he said earnestly, squeezing me tightly. I hugged him back and we stood there in the middle of the room in each other’s arms. I didn’t want to let him go. “I’ll even forgive you for that,” he said pointing to the only bed in the room. It was only a double bed. He grinned at me. “Guess we’re sharing,” he said merrily and threw himself onto the bed. I sure didn’t mind about that.

I double checked that the door was locked before kicking off my shoes and joining him.

“This is unbelievable,” Frank said, his words slurred as he fought off the sleep. “We did it, Gerard.”

“We did it,” I echoed. I didn’t quite believe it yet.

Frank didn’t say anything else and I glanced across to see he was almost asleep. I sat up and, as gently as I could, yanked his shoes off. I tossed them to the floor and pulled the blanket out from underneath him. I pulled it up over him and he smiled, his eyes still closed as I tucked him in. I lay back down next to him, pulling the blanket up to my chin and staring around the room anxiously. I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep tonight. I hadn’t wanted Frank to know but I was absolutely terrified. The thought of not being safe made me sick to the stomach. When I had thought about escaping I hadn’t thought about the harshness of the environment I had to suddenly adjust to. The real world was a scary place and I realised that now. Bluestone was a fucking safe haven compared to it.

From the street I heard people yelling and sirens and my bottom lip trembled slightly. I wasn’t going to cry or anything; I was just scared out of my brain. The only thing stopping me from calling Markman right now and asking her to come and get me was Frank. I loved Frank more than anything and I would sacrifice everything to stay with him.

I was sacrificing everything to be here with him.

It was quite clear that I was not in my Wonderland anymore.

Chapter 17: "The main symptom of a psychiatric case is that the person is perfectly unaware that he is a psychiatric case."

My eyes flicked open.

Where the fuck…. Oh.

Oh! Fuck.

I sat up hastily, letting go of the blanket I had been clutching to my chest. My eyes darted around the room frantically as I struggled to take in everything. Finally, they settled on the empty spot next to me on the bed. I stumbled slightly in my haste to stand up and steadied myself on the wall. Where the fuck was Frank? Had he left?

I hurried over to the bathroom and grabbed the handle. I hesitated and leant in close to hear the sounds of the shower running. I let go of the handle with a sigh of relief. He hadn’t left me. Thank fuck.

I turned around and surveyed the room again. I still didn’t quite comprehend the fact that I was in a motel room in some random town. I don’t think I’ve ever stayed in a motel. It felt strange.

My stomach rumbled suddenly, much to my immense surprise. I wasn’t used to being this hungry. The meals at Bluestone were so regular we never got a chance to be hungry. That’s probably why I put on those 5 pounds. I grabbed one of the backpacks that we’d thrown on the floor the night before and started rifling through it for some food. I knew there was a loaf of bread in here somewhere….

Ah. As I pulled it out I heard a rattling noise. I froze, the bread clutched tightly in my hand. With my free hand I dug around in the bag searching for the source of the rattling noise. I pulled out a brown paper bag. I frowned. I didn’t remember picking up a paper bag at Frank’s house.

Fuck. This was what Markman gave Frank! This was the package. I had forgotten about it. How the fuck had I forgotten? I don’t forget things. What is going on with me lately?

I put the package back into the bag and it rattled again as I handled it. My curiosity piqued. To me, it sounded like medication. But why would Frank have a bag full of meds? No, it must be something else. I glanced towards the bathroom. I wondered how much longer he would be. I really wanted to know what Markman gave him. What could be so important that she had to do it secretly?

It wouldn’t hurt if I took a quick look. Frank takes forever in the shower. If I’m careful I can undo the tape without ripping the paper. Yeah.

No. That would betray Frank’s trust. I’ll wait.

I stood up and pulled a piece of bread from the plastic wrapping. I took one bite and stopped, disappointed. The bread was stale and inedible. Maybe if I toasted it…?

I stood up and checked the tiny little kitchen for a toaster but all I could find was a kettle, an almost empty fridge and an iron. Why would they have an iron but not a toaster?

Can you toast bread with an iron?

I took another bite of the bread and chewed thoughtfully. Nope, not nice at all. Fuck it, I’ll eat something else. I knelt down by the backpack again and as I rifled through it I knocked the package and it rattled again! Fuck, this was killing me.

I pulled it out of the backpack and gently pried the tape away from the paper. It didn’t rip. I hesitated again. Fuck it, I’ve already come this far. I opened the package and slipped my hand inside. It closed around a small bottle. I pulled the bottle out and looked at it.

It was a bottle of pills. I read the label: Clozapine 100mg Tablets.

Fuck.

My pills.

Or rather, the pills Markman had me on to control my non-existent “delusions.” What the fuck was Frank doing with this? I tipped the rest of the contents of the package onto the floor. I counted three more bottles of the same medication. Surely Frank didn’t think I needed it? I’m not crazy. I don’t need pills to make me better when I wasn’t even sick to begin with. Maybe Frank didn’t know what was in the package when Markman gave it to him?

Oh, hang on. What if Frank did know? What if….

I glanced fearfully at the bathroom door but it remained shut. I’m not going to deny that I’ve had thoughts about Frank and his intentions. There had always been a tiny little part of me that had doubts over whether it truly was a coincidence that Frank was institutionalised in the same facility as me. That tiny little part had always been fearful that Frank had been sent by Them to infiltrate the facility and befriend me. It was a valid concern.

He could’ve planted the pills there so I would find them. He knew I was unashamedly inquisitive. Or he could’ve slipped up. Maybe he meant to hide them but ran out of time or never had the opportunity. For all I knew they could be sleeping pills. Frank could have been planning to slip one into my food when I wasn’t looking and then steal my secrets as I was trapped in a drug induced state of unconsciousness. This could’ve been Frank’s plan all along – get me out of Bluestone so he could drug me and steal my secrets.

My head snapped up as I suddenly realised Frank was standing in the doorway of the bathroom watching me. I scrambled to my feet, still clutching one of the bottles of pills.

Frank shot a puzzled look at me in response to my stricken face. Then his eyes dropped down to the pill bottle I clutched in my hand. A horrified looked covered his face and he opened his mouth as if to explain. The look on his face worried me. Was he horrified because I had found the stash of pills he was planning to drug me with or was he horrified because he knew his plan had been foiled?

“I can explain,” he blurted out. I bit my lip. I didn’t want him to be working for Them. Please don’t let him be working for Them. I think I would accept any other excuse.

“Markman gave them to me.”

I take that back – I would accept any excuse except that one.

I stared at him. I couldn’t tell if he was telling me the truth or not. He was an excellent liar. He told everyone he knew he was fine for months and they believed him. “Are you lying to me?” I asked.

Frank’s eyes widened. Was he worried about being caught out, maybe? “No,” he said intently.

I bit my bottom lip, concerned. Frank seemed very concerned as well. “Dr. Markman gave them to me,” he insisted. “She said…,” he trailed off as though realising he shouldn’t finish his sentence.

“What did she say?” I asked, keeping my voice measured to hide my anger. I couldn’t decide whether I was angry with Frank or Markman. Probably Markman.

“Why don’t you believe me?” he asked suddenly and took a determined step forward. I sucked in a lungful of air and exhaled in a futile attempt to suppress my anger. Frank’s defensiveness was not helping his case.

I didn’t answer Frank’s question. If he was one of Them or even if he was just sent by Them, I still didn’t want to alert him to the fact that I knew who he was. I needed to be tactful about this. It would be a pathetic ending to my story – I died because I was stupid enough to fall in love with one of Them.

Holy fuck. This could be why Frank never said, “I love you,” back to me. Maybe he didn’t love me because he had been using me all this time. Fuck.

Frank walked over to me and I watched him nervously. Was he going to stab me with some hidden knife? “Gerard, what’s wrong?” he asked, reaching out to touch my arm.

I jerked away from him much to his surprise. “What did I do?” he questioned, keeping his voice very calm and level.

I glanced away towards the front door but was quickly bought back to the situation by Frank’s pulling on my arm. I stepped away from his grasp fearfully and he let his arms fall to his sides limply, defeated. “Is this about the pills?” he asked.

I couldn’t stand it anymore. I needed to know. Yes, he would lie, but I’ll deal with that later.

“Are you working for Them? ” I blurted out and prepared myself mentally to run for the door. I stared at his eyes intensely looking for some sort of silent confirmation.

Frank’s mouth dropped open and he tipped his head slightly to the right. “Oh,” he said softly and raised a hand to push the hair out of his face.

Oh? Why did he say that? That wasn’t the reaction I was expecting. I was expecting panic as he realised his cover was blown. I was even bracing myself for him to stab me. He shook his head at me slowly, his face a mixture of sadness and guilt.

“I’m not working for Them, Gerard.”

Oh, thank fuck for that. Now, he better be telling the truth – I don’t think my heart can take any more. I think he was telling the truth – he did keep eye contact. That was a sign of truthfulness, right? Fuck, I don’t know.

“Promise?” I said suspiciously.

He sighed. “Yes.” Then he stared at me and said, very gently, “They’re not real, Gerard.”

Markman had gotten to him. She had convinced him that I was crazy. I’m not crazy. They’re real. I’ve seen them. If they weren’t real then why have I seen them? You don’t see things that aren’t real. I glanced down at the pill bottle in my hand. These were my meds. Frank had accepted them from Markman because he agreed with her. He thought I was crazy and that I needed to be ‘fixed’. I’m not crazy.

“You think I’m crazy.”

Frank’s eyes widened. “No!” he replied immediately. His response was too quick to be genuine.

“It wasn’t a question,” I said brusquely and stared bitterly at the bottle.

Frank grabbed at his hair pitifully. “I don’t think you’re crazy,” he objected weakly.

I raised an eyebrow at him. “Oh, you don’t think I’m crazy.”

Frank shook his head wildly. “No, you’re just…,” he trailed off again.

I wrenched the lid off one of the pill bottles. “What? Sick?! Is that what Markman said too? Did she say I was sick and that these pills could fix me?” I poured the pills onto my hand and held them out to show him.

“You’re scaring me,” Frank said quietly, refusing to look at the pills I had sitting in my palm.

I ignored him. “Did she tell you about all the people I murdered, Frank? Is that why you’re scared of me? Did Markman tell you that I’d hurt you if I didn’t take these pills? Do you think I’m going to kill you, Frank? Is that why you kept the pills? Markman told you I go crazy without them and that I’d hurt you? I would never hurt you! No pill will change that.”

“I’m sure you never meant to hurt Michael either,” Frank murmured.

I threw the bottle and the pills in my hand against the wall with all the force I could muster. Frank visibly cringed away towards the bathroom as the pills scattered across the room like little bullets.

“You don’t get to talk about him!” I screamed. I took a few heated steps towards Frank but stopped, struggling to contain my anger. He had no right to talk about Michael. He didn’t know anything. Michael was my brother. I had done something bad but it was a mistake. It didn’t mean anything. It didn’t have anything to do with Frank. And it didn’t mean I was crazy.

Frank seemed to be getting angry as well. “Stop yelling at me,” he cried, clenching his fists by his side.

“I’m not crazy! Michael has nothing to do with these!” I exclaimed and brandished another bottle of pills I had picked up.

“I’ve never said you were crazy! You’re just sick! But they can fix it, if you’d stop being such a dick and let Markman help you!”

“She can’t help me. I’m not sick. There’s nothing wrong with me!”

“They’re just pills, Gerard. It’s not a fucking lobotomy!”

I threw my hands up. “Lobotomy?! I’M NOT INSANE!”

Frank went silent. Eventually he threw his hands up in defeat. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

I lowered my voice this time. “Tell me what she said to you?”

Frank sighed, aggravated. “She told me that I needed to get you to keep taking the medication or you could have one of your episodes. That’s it!”

“And what did you say?”

“I said, ‘okay’. What else was I supposed to say?”

“Did she tell you I was dangerous?”

Frank didn’t reply. I took that as a yes.

“I won’t hurt you.”

“Too late,” Frank said miserably and wouldn’t look me in the eye.

Fucking hell. Way to make me feel like shit. “So, how were you planning to get me to take the pills?” I asked.

Frank looked bewildered. “I don’t know! I hadn’t thought about it.”

“Were you going to drug me?”

“No!” Frank replied indignantly. “Stop being paranoid, please. Don’t you know me at all? I’m not going to drug you. I’m not one of them. I’m just me.”

I’m not paranoid. Being paranoid is a classic sign of a crazy person, but I wasn’t crazy – so I couldn’t be paranoid. It made sense to me. I didn’t understand why Frank was acting this way.

“You know what you’re doing?” he asked.

“What?” I replied indifferently.

“You’re being paranoid. If you took the pills, you wouldn’t have these types of thoughts.”

I gaped at him. “You want me to stop being me? If I take these pills I’ll stop thinking like me. Then I won’t be me. Is that what you want?”

“I want you to know you’re safe.”

“I am safe.”

Frank clenched his fists. “Gerard!” he exclaimed. “Less than five minutes ago you were convinced I was one of Them. And I bet you thought I was going to hurt you, didn’t you? Did I think I was going to stab you or drug you or cut open your brain? Don’t you want to be rid of those types of thoughts? How can you live like that?”

“…They made sense at the time,” I mumbled.

“What?!” Frank said, his voice rising again. “What on Earth made you think I was going to kill you? What brought it on?”

Because you didn’t say it back. I looked at Frank meekly. He raised an eyebrow questioningly. I silently held up the pill bottle for him to see. “What else?” he demanded. “What was your next thought? What solidified the fact in your mind?”

“Never mind,” I said and tried to walk away towards the bathroom. It was the only room I could go to where I wouldn’t have to look at Frank’s accusing face.

“Tell me,” he demanded, stepping in my path.

“It doesn’t matter!” I insisted.

“Stop trying to walk away from me,” Frank snapped. “Tell me what you’re thinking. I know it’s running through your brain right now. Tell me.”

“You never said it back,” I muttered. It seemed petty now I said it aloud.

Frank knew straight away what I was talking about. He scowled. “Is that why you thought I was one of them?” he said indignantly.

I shrugged and eyeballed the pills on the carpet.

“Fucking hell, Gerard,” Frank said and dropped to his knees and began picking up the tablets I had scattered everywhere.

I dropped to my knees as well and scooped up the ones closest to me. “It’s not that hard,” I lied. Saying those words were the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life.

Frank looked at me, affronted. “Do you want me to say it?”

“No. Forgot I said anything.”

“I love you. There, I said it. Happy now?” he said insincerely.

I threw the seven tablets I had collected onto the ground and stood up. “You know what?” I said angrily, “Fuck you, Frank.” Frank’s mouth dropped open. I didn’t care. “ Fuck you,” I repeated and stormed out of the hotel room.

I marched along the balcony and down the steps. I strode all the way out of the motel lot and off down the street. It wasn’t until I reached the next block that the panic set in. I froze, glancing around fearfully. Oh dear, this was a bad idea. I felt painfully exposed. Up until now I’d always been accompanied by Markman or Frank when out in public. I’d never been alone out on the street before. I inhaled sharply as a massive truck trundled past me.

I needed to get off the street. I had escaped from a mental institution after all. An unknown evil force is hunting me; I probably shouldn’t be standing in the middle of the footpath. I glanced around and ducked into the closest building, which happened to be some sort of diner. I slunk over to a booth in the corner and slipped into it. I scanned the room and studied all of the customers. None of them were looking at me. This was a good sign, They had spies everywhere. I had to be careful.

I wondered if Frank would come after me. I hoped he would but I didn’t expect him to. I hadn’t meant to speak to him like that, but he had pissed me off. Just because he was broken doesn’t mean he gets to throw those words around like they meant nothing.

“Hey, what can I get you?”

I slowly tore my gaze away from the street and glanced at the young waitress standing patiently next to my table. I panicked and shook my head nervously. “Nothing,” I mumbled and glanced away. It had been a long time since I’d spoken to a girl who wasn’t crazy.

Markman doesn’t count because she’s a witch.

The girl didn’t leave. What the fuck did she want? “Are you waiting for someone?” she prompted.

I shook my head and she sighed. “I’m sorry, but you can’t stay here if you’re not going to order anything.”

I looked at her again, my eyes wide. Was she seriously going to kick me out? I’d like to see her try. I didn’t want to kick up a fuss though. I couldn’t draw attention to myself. Who knows where They had spies? The man across the room eating bacon and eggs with his fingers could be working for Them for all I knew.

“Can I get you some coffee?” she offered, smiling at me.

Oh, fuck, yes. I nodded. “Okay,” I said and starting digging through my pockets for some change. I knew I had some coins and a few notes left over from the million train tickets I’d purchased yesterday. The waitress poured me a cup of the steaming liquid and the energising smell filled my nose. “How much?” I asked and spread my change all over the table. I wasn’t too good at this whole money thing.

The waitress smiled widely at me. “Well, sweetie,” she said. “For you…it’s half price.”

For me? What the fuck does that mean? Did she know who I was? Had we met before? I shot her a puzzled look. She touched me on the shoulder and leant in. “Well, the cute ones get a discount,” she said softly into my ear.

Huh? Oh. Gross. I don’t like girls. I quickly picked up a five-dollar bill from the table and handed it to her just so she would go away. One of the customers at the next table signalled her and she left. Thank fuck for that.

Frank never came looking for me. I stared at the street for an hour but he never appeared. Did that mean he didn’t care? I was still ridiculously angry with him, but I wanted him to care enough to come looking for me. The waitress came back three more times in that hour trying to refill my drink but I didn’t let her. I suspected that her intentions were not honourable. The fourth time she tried to start a conversation with me. “So,” she said, “have you got a girlfriend?”

I frowned. I had a boyfriend? Well, I think I still have a boyfriend. But she didn’t ask me if I had a boyfriend. She asked me if I had a girlfriend – which I didn’t have. I shook my head and she grinned widely. “No way?!” she exclaimed and giggled. I didn’t understand how that was relevant to her job. Was it going to make the coffee she served me better or something?

I shrugged as she whipped out her order book and scribbled something down. She held the piece of paper out to me. I took it, but only because it seemed to be the only thing I could do. She had written a number down on the paper. “Call me?” she said sweetly and touched my shoulder again.

I quickly climbed out of the booth. “Sure,” I lied and hurried from the diner. I didn’t really understand what had just happened. I folded the piece of paper up into a tiny square and tucked it into my pocket. I wanted to discard it but I was afraid the girl might still be watching me. I didn’t want to incur some sort of jilted waitress wrath. I made my way back down the block towards the motel. My anger with Frank had slowly been dissipating over the hour and was gone completely by the time I walked back onto the motel lot. I slowly climbed the stairs towards the first floor and noticed that Frank was sitting on the very top step, waiting for me. He pursed his lips as he saw me and stood up sulkily. He came down the stairs and as he passed me he roughly shoved one of the backpacks into my chest. It winded me but I didn’t say anything. I probably deserved it.

I followed him back down to the ground level and then back towards the train station. The station was relatively empty and we boarded the first one that came in. Frank was still giving me the silent treatment. I didn’t know what to do. I debated over whether I should say something or let the painful and awkward silence remain. I decided I needed to say something. But what was I supposed to say? I spent a good hour going over hundreds of conversation starters in my head before I finally said, “Are you hungry?” I pulled out some of the change I’d found in my pockets at the diner and held it out to him.

He didn’t even acknowledge that I had spoken. He just continued to stare out the window and made a point of giving me the cold shoulder. Rejected, I went back thinking of better things to say.

We changed trains all day again. I don’t even know why we were still doing it. Frank was acting like we were running from bounty hunters or something. No one was following us. The day dragged on and on and I was ready to throw in the towel. If I knew I would be spending the first two days of my freedom on a fucking train I probably would’ve stayed in the mental institution.

It was late afternoon when Frank finally let us leave the train station. He took off down the street without even checking to see if I was following. The motel he picked this time was much nicer and it even had a pool. He wordlessly handed me some cash and pointed towards the reception. I felt slightly more comfortable getting the room this time and I was even considerate enough of Frank’s mood to ask the guy for a room with two beds. He handed me a card and I made my way to the room. Frank followed me, still silent and sulky. Fucking hell, is it even possible to sulk for six hours straight?

Once inside the room Frank threw his bag onto one of the beds and stalked over towards the bathroom. I’d had enough.

“Frank, stop it,” I said forcefully. Frank halted but kept his back to me. “I’m sorry,” I said extremely sincerely.

He turned around. “For what?” he said. I could hear the sarcasm.

“For everything.”

“Whatever,” he said, shrugged and began to walk towards the bathroom again. His attitude was making me mad. Couldn’t we just forget about the whole ‘I thought he was one of Them and was planning on drugging me’ thing?

I groaned and dropped my backpack on the floor. “Frank,” I said again.

Frank spun around. “ What, Gerard?” he said savagely. “What do you want me to say?”

You could say that you loved me too. You know, just a suggestion. I didn’t say that out loud because I knew how Frank would react. “I’m sorry,” I said. Frank shrugged and I sighed. “I’m sorry,” I repeated. “I’m sorry.”

Frank scowled at me again. “Stop it,” he said.

But I wasn’t going to stop. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying it, Gerard.”

“I’m sorry.” Frank’s eyes narrowed and his brow creased adorably. He was cute when he was angry. “I’m sorry.”

Frank stomped his foot angrily. “Stop it!”

“No,” I said stubbornly. “I’m not going to stop until you stop being angry at me.” Frank glowered at me and folded his arms tightly over his chest. I continued, “I’m sorry.”

“I’m not angry,” Frank said and I could tell he was forcing his voice to remain level.

“Then why have you been ignoring me all day?”

“I’m not angry, I was just worried.”

I was not expecting that. I think my heart swelled at the thought of Frank caring enough about me to worry about me. I think that was a sign. You have to care a lot about someone to worry about them when they weren’t there.

“Oh. Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why were you worried about me? Did you think that maybe they’d found me?” That was really the only logical reason why Frank would be worried about me. They were the only people out there looking for me.

“Yeah,” Frank mumbled, turning away to rifle in his backpack, “something like that.”

“I’ll never let them get me, Frank.” Frank didn’t acknowledge what I’d said but I know he’d heard it. “I’m going to be here to protect you.” I took a hesitant step toward Frank but stopped as he straightened up.

Frank didn’t need to say anything; everything he was trying to say was written all over his worn and pale face. I reached out to touch him on the arm but suddenly hesitated as I remembered how sensitive he still was about being touched, even by me. Frank watched my arm extend, freeze several inches away from his arm and then fall back to my side.

His cheeks went red. “Fucking hell,” he said, devastation and rage evident in his voice.

“What?” I said urgently, wondering I’d done wrong now.

It was like a switch had flipped inside Frank. He went off. He stormed back and forth furiously clutching his hair and stomping his feet. I just gaped at him, ridiculously confused. I didn’t know what the fuck was happening. I’d never seen Frank so mad before.

“Frank,” I said loudly, trying to get his attention. I tried to grab him as he stormed past me but he pushed me away angrily.

“THEY RUINED EVERYTHING!” he exclaimed.

“Who did? What did they do? What are you –.”

“Who the fuck do you think, Gerard?!” he said hysterically.

I blinked stupidly. “Um….”

Frank threw his hands up. “They ruined my life. And now look! They ruined yours too!”

Surely Frank wasn’t talking about Them? He wasn’t working for Them was he?! Holy shit, maybe he was! Maybe his job was to get close to me to steal my secrets but he accidentally got to close and now They were out to get him too?

Fuck my fucking life.

“The men who RAPED me, Gerard!”

Okay, not Them. I won’t deny I was relieved. Okay, switching into amateur therapist mode.

“Look what they did to you, Gerard,” he said emphatically.

I wasn’t aware that they’d done anything to me. This is so confusing. I wish I had more experience in these sorts of emotional situations. “Frank….”

“No, don’t you see? I see it in you. You’re afraid of hurting me all the time. You can’t even touch me without feeling guilty. You can’t treat me like I’m normal. You always constantly doubt the things you say and do because you’re afraid of hurting me. They ruined you!”

“No, wait, Frank, what? That’s not true.”

Frank frowned at my argument. “Yes it is. How torturous is it living in constant doubt about how to act around me? Don’t you dare lie to me and tell me that you don’t second guess every single thing you do around me! You’re better off without me.”

Fuck. “No,” I exclaimed. “Stop talking like that.”

Frank tried to stare me down. “Gerard,” he said eventually. “You couldn’t even bring yourself to touch my arm just before so don’t you dare act like it’s not true.”

“I’m not leaving you.”

“Fine,” he said. I could tell he was trying to be indifferent but I could detect a tiny glimmer of happiness in him. “But you have to promise me you’ll treat me like I’m normal. Treat me like I’m your boyfriend, Gerard, not like I’m a poor damaged rape victim.”

“Okay, but….” I was frantically trying to get a word in but he kept stopping me.

“I don’t feel the bugs under my skin when you touch me, Gerard. Don’t treat me like I’m broken, even though I am. Treat me like I’m normal. Please. I just want to be normal again. Why don’t you understand?”

With that he retreated to the bathroom shutting the door in my face.

I stood in front of the bathroom door, a million thoughts falling over themselves in my head. Should I follow him? What did he mean when he said he wanted me to ‘treat him like he’s normal?’ Did I have to do something different? I honestly thought I had been treating him relatively normal. I think he’s been misinterpreting my hesitation as his fault. Honestly, my hesitation is because I’m a massive class A inexperienced virgin who doesn’t know how to be in a relationship.

I grabbed the door handle but didn’t open the door. Not yet. I needed to have a plan. Maybe I should just go in and kiss him?

Yes.

No.

Or maybe I should just sit back down on the bed and watch cartoons.

Yes.

I let go of the handle and picked up the television remote from the side table. The television flicked on and a news channel slowly appeared onto the screen. A female newsreader was in the middle of reading the news headlines. I hesitated in changing the channel to listen.

“Six miners have been killed in an explosion in a mining site in Texas. Authorities are investigating the cause of the explosion and the site is to be shut down indefinitely. Now, we cross to our political correspondent, Susie Carter, in Washington DC. Susie, the President issued a statement this morning in regards to the first son….”

The political correspondent nodded eagerly. “Good evening, yes it has been 40 hours since President Way’s eldest son was reported missing from a secure mental health facility in Princeton, New Jersey and it was just this morning that President Way delivered a heartfelt plea seeking any information on –.”

I switched the TV off in exasperation. I shouldn’t be standing here. I should be with Frank. In a sudden rush of blood I strode over to the door, throwing it open. I stepped through the door and froze. I hadn’t actually thought about what I was going to do after I opened the door. Frank slowly turned to look at me from where he was standing under the shower. I swallowed and started fumbling with my belt. I got halfway though undoing it when I thought that I should probably take my shirt off first. I let go of my belt and pulled my shirt off over my head, tossing it to the floor.

Frank stepped out from under the shower spray to stare at me. In one swift movement I finished unbuckling my belt and pulled my pants down. I stepped out of them and walked naked over to the shower. Frank pushed the door open for me, which I took as permission to join him. The door silently shut itself behind me and I was suddenly incredibly aware of the fact that I was naked and standing in a tiny shower cubicle with a naked Frank whom I happened to find very attractive.

I stepped in close to Frank, cupping the back of his neck and instinctively kissing him. It was probably the most forward thing towards him…ever. Sure I’d kissed him once before but I don’t know if it could really be counted considering how terrible I was at it. Frank tipped his chin up and leaned into me, reciprocating the kiss. I was intensely aware of the fact that I was naked and that Frank was naked and that we were almost touching in places other than our lips.

I didn’t wait long to make my next move. If Frank wanted me to treat him like normal than I was going to do exactly what I’d been dying to do for as long as I could remember since meeting him. I knew that the next few minutes were going to potentially ruin everything, but I had to take a chance. I broke away from Frank’s lips but before he could even react I began kissing down his neck from his chin down to his collarbone. I migrated back up again and pressed my lips back onto the soft moist skin of his neck. With my lips still slightly apart I began to suck gently. I heard Frank gasp but despite his initial shock he let his head tip back, giving me better access. He wrapped his hand up around my back and dug his nails into the skin. I drew my breath in and sucked hard against Frank’s neck. His breath hitched again and his hand shot up to grab the back of my head.

I didn’t know how long I had to suck for but when I thought it had been long enough I pulled away. I actually felt proud at the intensity of the bruise I had caused on his normally pale neck. I leant back in and gently kissed the bruise several times before stepping back. Frank slowly lifted one hand to touch his neck, a slightly dazed look on his face. I didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. I hope he didn’t see the hickey as some sort of mark of possession. An adorable smile covered his face after another few seconds, much to my relief. I stepped back in and tipped his chin up, placing a fleeting kiss on them before gently setting my hand on his chest. Frank wrapped his hand up around behind my head again and pulled me in for a more passionate kiss. I opened my mouth and tried to kiss him back with the same fervour he was showing me. At the same time I let my hand drop lower and lower down Frank’s chest, caressing him unconsciously. It wasn’t until my hand dropped to just below his navel that he reacted. He inhaled sharply and broke away from the kiss. His eyes were wide and his cheeks were flushed as he stared up at me. I didn’t know what he was thinking but I was pretty sure he wasn’t unconsciously telling me to back off. I shuffled to the side slightly and slowly, a few millimetres a second, moved my hand downwards.

It seemed like a lifetime before my hand reached his cock. Frank was still staring intensely at me as I wrapped my hand around him. Frank seemed to get hard almost immediately in my hand much to his obvious embarrassment and my amusement. His whole face went bright red and he couldn’t bring himself to look me in the eye anymore. Instead, he chose to stare intently at the drain on the floor of the shower.

It was no secret that I’ve never given anyone a hand job before but I’ve given myself many in my lifetime. There was more than one advantage to insisting on showering solo back at Bluestone. I decided I would use the water that had been falling over us from the shower as lube and began to move my fist up and down. Frank’s mouth dropped open and he began to lean into me for support as I began to thumb the head of his cock. Encouraged by Frank’s obvious pleasure and body language I ran my fingers up the underside several times before going back to stroking him again.

It was Frank’s moan that turned me on the most. He actually fucking moaned. I felt so proud; I was obviously doing something right. Really, all I was doing was what I liked. We must be more alike that I had originally thought. Frank was now pushing up against my hand and clinging to me with an increased sense of urgency. He had wrapped his arm up around my waist and it felt like his nails were an inch deep into my back. He buried his head into my neck in a poor attempt to drown out the incredible noises he was making as I kept alternating between stroking him and thumbing the head.

I’ve never seen Frank come before so I was watching him very intently for any signs that he was close. I couldn’t help but grin at the faces he was making. His mouth was slightly open and he was sucking in air in short, sharp bursts. His eyes were clenched shut and his brow was furrowed. It was actually ridiculously easy to tell when Frank was on the verge of coming so I sped up to help him along.

The only word I could discern in the noises he was made when he came was, “fuck.” His toes curled inwards on the tiles and his face scrunched up as he came hot and sticky all over my leg. As soon as he was finished I let go but didn’t move away. I could feel my heart beating wildly in my chest as the sight of Frank coming cycled through my head, almost making me hard. Frank suddenly realised that his nails were digging into my back and guiltily uncurled his arm from around my waist and stepped back, supporting himself on the wall. His breath was sharp and ragged like he’d just sprinted in a race. He swept his hand through his wet hair and exhaled heavily.

He still hadn’t looked at me yet. I didn’t mind about that. I just stood there with a stupid smile on my face as I watched Frank’s reaction. He seemed to be going through stages of disbelief, amazement, musing, embarrassment and finally shame. The shame came when he suddenly realised that he had come all over my leg and the shower hadn’t gotten around to washing it off yet. He quickly glanced up at my face and then back to my leg, his cheeks betraying his feelings.

“Oh,” he muttered and reached out to wash my leg. I caught his wrist and gently pushed it away; trying to non-verbally tell him it wasn’t necessary.

I could tell he wasn’t comfortable with the current situation. It was quite clear that I was almost hard and I could tell from the torn look on his face that he wasn’t sure if he needed to, or wanted to, reciprocate. He looked back up at me and I shook my head, answering the question in his eyes.

“I’m so sorry,” he groaned, vaguely gesturing towards my crotch.

“It’s okay,” I said genuinely. I wasn’t expecting Frank to return the offer. I was absolutely fine with him keeping his hands to himself. I wasn’t going to pressure him. I would wait for him. I would wait forever.

Frank’s cheeks were still burning red as he escaped from the shower cubicle and then into the motel room. I waited until he had closed the bathroom door again before beginning to jerk myself off. It didn’t take long for me to come considering how turned on Frank had made me with his moans and facial expressions. I grinned stupidly as I took a few minutes to clean myself up. I stepped out of the shower and tried to delay entering the motel room. I didn’t know how Frank was going to react; would he be happy with me, or mad, or both? He was often irrational with his emotional responses so no matter how good I’d just made him feel he’d probably still be uncomfortable, maybe even humiliated.

I knew that if Frank ever decided to touch me I would probably feel incredibly self-conscious and I’d never been molested or raped. I could only imagine the conflicting thoughts running through Frank’s head at the moment. What I’d done would have no doubt caused some terrible memories to resurface. I just hoped that he’d let me in.

I picked my jeans up off the floor and pulled them back on. I then picked up my shirt and smelt it quickly. I frowned at the smell and decided against putting it back on. I walked back into the motel room. Frank was sitting at the tiny table eating a sandwich. He looked over at me and his eyes seemed to linger for a brief second before he tore them away. I grabbed one of the bags from the floor and rifled through it.

“Is there a spare shirt I can wear?”

Frank turned around to look at me again and his cheeks went bright red again at the sight of my bare chest. He coughed loudly and pointed to the other bag on the floor. I looked through the other bag and pulled out the shirt Frank found at his place that was too big for him. I pulled it on and sat down on the bed, watching Frank chew thoughtfully on his sandwich.

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know whether I should ask him if he was okay, or if I should just pretend like it never happened, which was what Frank appeared to be doing. I sighed.

“Frank.”

Frank looked at me expectantly. “Hmm,” he said, his mouth full. He looked away again; he couldn’t keep eye contact with me.

I sighed. “Never mind.” I lay back down on the bed and didn’t fight the tiredness that was dragging my eyelids down. Just when I had almost dropped off to sleep I vaguely felt Frank crawl up beside me in the bed.

“Hey, um, where did…you know….” He still sounded really embarrassed as though he’d just been caught masturbating by his mother or something.

“What?”

“Where did you… learn …how to do that?” Frank asked me uncomfortably.

I cracked open one eye. “Nowhere. I…improvised.”

Frank lay down next to me, resting his head on my shoulder. “You should patent it,” he said seriously.

I laughed. “Whatever.”

Frank got really earnest. “No, Gerard, seriously. It was….”

I pulled him in tighter and pressed my lips to his head. “Go to sleep.”

“It was amazing.”

***

I woke up to Frank shaking me. “What do you want for breakfast?” he asked. I grunted and rolled over. Frank shook me even harder. “Well?”

“Surprise me,” I mumble